Now What?

I finished this term of school-woo hoo!  Do you hear my long exhalation?  I am looking forward to a little down time...or so I thought.

So, now what do I do?  Freedom sounds so good, until I try to figure out what I am supposed to do now.  I know I have stuff to do, but what?  I need to get out a list!  I know I have written something somewhere.  (I had some stuff written in my last blog.)

Some of my hesitation lies in procrastination.  There are tasks that I need to do to catch up, but they are jobs that I would rather not face!  (Help me, Lord, not to fear my responsibilities but to work diligently to complete what you've called me to do!)

The dilemma, then, that I face is finding the balance between productivity and hiatus.  I truly don't want to be lazy, although there is something appealing to the "lazy days of summer."  I need to first fit back in the activities I have set aside during school.  Then, I guess I need to prioritize.  What needs to be done? What is most important to me?  If I can find a way to reasonably accomplish both what I need to do and what I would like to do, this summer just may be the most enjoyable and productive one yet!

A Pain in the Butt

Literally. A pain in the butt.  To be more exact, a pain in my butt!  An intense and sharp yet dull and throbbing pain, it is.  And it seems like it will last forever!

Now, I know it won't.  That is absurd, especially when I had the surgery to relieve my discomfort.  It's just that it has made so little improvement in the last 6 days.

And you wouldn't imagine (unless you have experienced this yourself) how difficult it is to get things done when you can't sit for more than 10 minutes at a time.  Things like...a computer desk job. *sigh*

Ok, enough complaining from me.  I need to look at the bright side.  Where to start...

I drove today, a whole 3 miles round trip!  I went to the grocery store near our house. That was good.

I have been working since Tuesday, increasing my shift by 1/2 hour each day. Would you believe that I worked a full 4 hours today--yay!

I have had three days of restricted caloric decisions.  (In the interest of full disclosure, I DID eat ice cream today, but it was a controlled amount.)  I still feel good about it.  I am motivated to continue.  I am planning to wear my old clothes this summer!

It's not easy.  It's downright hard sometimes.  It feels like it will never end.  It's a royal pain in the butt--

But this too shall end!

Ow-wie!

I had surgery 2 days ago.  Oh my.  It is never fun, and this is no exception.

My surgery was scheduled for noon on Friday. I had to be there at 10 am, so Bob dropped me off a few minutes before.  Prep was routine, and I even got to read quite a bit in my textbook for school.  I was super tired. They gave me a light sedative as they were preparing me for surgery, and I don't remember a thing after that.  I think I just fell asleep!

My next recollection was my groggy waking up--with a massive pain in my chest.  This was a pain I recognized all too well as an esophageal spasm.  I told the nurse what was going on, so she was dealing with that on top of trying to handle the usual side effects of waking up from anesthesia, what with the nausea and vomiting.  Unfortunately for me, I don't do well with anesthesia, and the spasms irritate my digestive system even more.  I was bound to puke!

Thank God I had my medication recorded on my forms, since I had recently dealt with the spasms and had a  prescription filled for dicyclomine.  The nurse, Jeanne, did her best to take care of me in a timely manner.  While it felt like forever, we did finally get the medication I needed, and my pain subsided.  Throughout the ordeal, as I prayed and begged God for relief, my mind was flooded with His Word.  I claimed each promise and knew He would bring me through this trial.

At this point, the only thing really hurting was my throat from the tube that had been down it and the lack of water I had had for the last 12+ hours.  I tried to slowly sip my water, knowing too much would make me vomit again.  I finally made it to the place where I could go back to my original room.  I rested there for another hour or so and even had some graham crackers and apple juice.  Best tasting graham crackers ever!

Bob picked me up around 3:45 pm, and we headed home.  I still had no pain in my bottom whatsoever, but we dropped off my prescription for Percocet anyway.  Boy, am I glad that we did!  I was fine all evening and starting to think that this may just be an easy recovery after all.  I even woke up the next morning with just some stiffness and tenderness.  By the time we finished breakfast, however, I could barely move!

And it's been that way for the majority of the last 24 hours.  The Percocet helps, and I can move around better with it.  I just get stiff and sore being in any position for too long, including lying down.  I was hoping to be able to go to church this morning--it's Easter--but there's no way I'd make it through the service, let alone the drive there and back.  That's a bummer, but the kids are playing with the Nerf guns I bought them for Easter. (I know, I know, really "Easter-y.")

I go back and forth on thinking that I will be okay with working on Tuesday.  I sure hope so.  I also go back and forth on how I will get through school this week.  I finished last week early so I wouldn't have to worry about it, but time keeps on going.  I start a new week tomorrow, complete with my research paper due.  (3 more weeks--I can do this!)

I am currently typing at the kitchen counter.  Standing is more comfortable than sitting, but I do get tired easily.  I need God's strength to get through this, and I am glad to have my family's help as well as the meals from some caring friends.  My butt is swollen. (I always wanted a rounder tush, but not like this!) In fact, I feel swollen all over.  I am trying to remember that this too shall pass.  For now I am just hanging on!

Priorities

The one good thing I can say about all these events in my life is that I am learning to prioritize or re-prioritize what is important for right now. So here are some changes that I am implementing, and I must say, I am excited about what is coming:

1. I am not taking classes this summer. I went back and forth on this, especially since the terms in the summer actually cross for two weeks. Four classes for two weeks?!? I don't think so! I would just be asking for it, especially since it falls over my vacation time. (Consequently, if I am off and we don't go back to the Midwest, I would have the time to handle the extra work.)

2. I am only taking one class at a time starting the fall. I have had to remind myself that I am not trying to get this done ASAP. I have a 3-year-old. I need to be able to focus on other things besides schoolwork, and that has become difficult this term, given the heavy work load for my current classes. I can keep taking classes, as long as they don't overwhelm my schedule so much that I have to push everything else aside.

3. I have a desire to write more and have determined to post 3x/week this summer. I also intend to "go public" this summer with my blog. Scared? Yes. Excited? Yes!

4. I intend to take a CLEP for my English requirements this summer. I believe that I can pass no problem, and it would take care of those credits so I don't have to pay for the course or use up my time on it.

5. I would also like to complete some of my work-in-progress writing projects, including my e-book and my 1st children's book in a series Bob and I would like to put together.

6. Once I am recovered (which should be about the time I get out of school), I would like to start taking an aerobics class. My intention is to eventually start teaching them again. I have come to realize that I miss them so much. They are my passion for workouts, and I would like to incorporate them into my life again. I find so much joy and accomplishment in the choreography and exertion!

7. I would like to try soccer with Obie. There is a children's soccer group here in town that offers a trial week so you and your child can check things out. Then, it's pretty economical to get them playing 1x/wk and includes their uniform (shirt). All I want to do is TRY it. If it's a no-go, fine! I just want to try it out. He is much more physical than the older kids were, and I want him to have the opportunity to give it a go.

8. Last but certainly not least, I want to use the slower summer days to really spend more time in the Word. I recognize more and more not only the importance of a deeper relationship with God but also the value and freedom that come from living closely with Him! I have already started making daily efforts, even with my busy schedule, but would like to do even more this summer. Walking in the Spirit and falling deeper in love with God means that each day is sweeter and that each struggle is diminished in the light of God's plan for me. THAT is worth prioritizing, above everything else!

What does it all mean?

The last month has been eventful. I did something weird--bad--to my hamstring. I don't know what. I might have pulled it or something. It still hurts. I started to back off. Then, I had an opthalmic migraine. I didn't know what it was, but I found out at the eye doctor's the next day. Why? Who knows. I haven't had one since, which is good.

I did pick up a nasty cold from my daughter. It went to my chest, which is unusual for me. Then, it went to my ear. Ouch! I went to the doctor and got an antibiotic. (It's actually a sinus infection, not an ear infection.)

The day before, I went to yet another appointment, this time to set up surgery. I am having the cyst removed on April 22, two weeks from today. I already had the weekend off, so that worked out well.

So, what is going on? Really, I don't know. It seems a bit over the top, like some cosmic joke. And that is how I was approaching it, feeling quite "picked on." I was also anesthesizing my pain with crazy eating patterns. Stupid behavior. Pity parties and hissy fits complete with cake.

Yet the Lord was gently prodding me. The message was there all along; I just kept missing it. I finally caught the a-ha moment on Karen Ehman's website. (Thanks, Karen!) Suffering is a part of life. We live in a fallen world. Who am I to think I deserve a pain-free life? God uses difficulty in our lives to teach us so many things. We can also learn to have peace in the midst of our struggles. The presence of God in the midst of our lives is more important than the comfort of our bodies. I am not there totally, but I am drawing closer. That is where I want to be.

A New Hope

I was doing really well with my eating plan through the beginning of the year. It wasn't perfect, but it was within reason. I had even gone many weeks without eating after dinner, or at least not after 7:30 p.m., a feat I haven't been able to accomplish ever before! I sought out some accountability, a good thing to be sure, although I felt pretty grounded and secure. I should have known there was a storm coming.

To be sure, the next thing I knew I was in a tailspin, and everything was unraveling quickly. Granted, I had not lost a pound to date, although my pants were certainly looser. (I always do have more luck measuring with size than scale.) But that is just one of the reasons I considered to blame for my loss of control. Here are a few others:

1. My hamstring was imflamed--again. Every time I really engage in body-changing exercise, my hamstring protests. This time was no different. The chiropractor told me it was time to back off, so there went my running, training for a triathlon this summer.

2. The cyst on my tailbone became inflamed. Seriously. I know, you're thinking, who has that?! Well, I do. It first flared up when I was 19 and in basic training, doing like a thousand situps, old-school style, every day. I never had it removed, so here it is again. Oh, the joys of exercising like you mean it!

3. So, now I can only sit on the right side of my bum. That doesn't not make for a great work situation in front of a computer. I work on a computer minimum 4 hr/day.

4. Stress. Bob's income fluctuates so much, and well, let's just say it was really "down" time. Hard.

5. My daughter wanted to have our mommy/daughter ice cream date I had been promising. Do you know how many calories are in a pint of Ben and Jerry's? Oh, what a BAD choice that was!

By this point, I was pretty much making bad decisions each day. there seemed to be no way out. Ah, but it gets worse.

6. We watch a documentary on diet, and while it confirmed much of what I have heard in the past, it also questioned a lot of the newer advice I had received. Now I didn't know what to do with my diet, so I just kinda threw it away.

Now, you may accuse me of totally giving in at this point, but I was really trying each day. I was just getting derailed so easily, I couldn't make it through a meal without messing up.

7. Those Kisses in the cabinet had to get eaten up sometime, so why not now?

8. Bob is t-boned. Not only is he badly beat up from this, he gets the ticket. Did I mention that my ultra-cautious husband was trying to clear the intersection on a yellow light? Did I say that the driver who hit him was probably speeding and going through a red light? Need I tell you that she did not receive ANY ticket whatsoever? How about the fact that now our Jeep would not be covered, and we're out of a 2nd vehicle?

So, to put it in a nutshell, life had come crashing in at breakneck speed, and I was overwhelmed, just like the shores of Japan under the terrible weight of the recent tsunami. Life is hard, and sometimes it just seems out of control. In response, my eating had gone completely out of control, and I could not seem to get it back in place.

However, I would like to point out something I noticed in my own reflection on what was going on with me: did I once mention God in this whole mess? No. (Ouch.) If there's one thing I have learned in the past year, it is that this is a battle in my life that I am not capable of handling on my own. Yet when I invite God into this hoo-ha, somehow I am able to rise above the storm and find peace and rest for my heart, soul, ... and appetite.

Now, I am here to tell you that there were some tears and cries of desperation during this time. But there were no true efforts to dig into the Word or to really ground myself in the Lord. As soon as I picked up my Bible, however, and began to focus on the truths that He gives me, I could feel the strength and peace flooding me.

I am here tonight to celebrate 2 days of a wonderful diet, and more than that, a communion with God that is irreplaceable in value. To be able to walk right on past the treat at Tuesday morning Bible study, to say "no" to the cravings for an evening snack, and to politely refuse my daughter's banana muffin piping hot from the oven gave me more peace and fulfillment than I ever would have found in the indulge-guilt cycle. The key is God. It's wanting Him more than wanting to be thin. It's valuing the peace of mind He brings more than the temporary pleasure on my tongue that sweets bring. I pray that I never forget that lesson again, whether or not I ever complete a triathlon or wear a size 8.

Feb 1st

So, I am a month into the new year... and I have not dropped a pound! Ugh. I really have been working hard, and I really have made some serious changes. Is it the perpetual period I have been plagued with? Is it that I am building SO much muscle, I weigh the same? LOL Am I delusional and thinking I am doing well when I am not? Am I not working out enough? Hard enough? Am I eating too much? Too little? I just don't know!

I can't say how many times I have been here before. For the same reasons? Who knows. It is frustrating and disheartening. The thing is, I refuse to give up! My heart isn't in it, I'll admit, but my mind knows it's about more than my emotions. Lord knows they've gotten me into way more trouble in the past. I am praying for God's strength and guidance, because I recognize that I cannot do this on my own. And frankly, I don't want to. I have proven that I don't have it in me in the past; why try the same thing that doesn't work?!

Lord, I am asking for Your strength for today. Help me to be the best I can for You! This is not about how much I weigh or what I eat as much as it is about my relationship with You. I depend on You today and know that You will be with me. That's what matters most!