Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Blogs from 2006

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Category:Writing and Poetry

I am feeling blue. Yes, downright depressed. All the sh*% in my life that I have been trying to get together just seems to be getting worse. Everything I try to do or improve or fix, not only do I fail, but I stand by and watch someone else succeed! I feel like such a miserablef*%king failure! I am so tired of it, but I am sick of fighting, too. I guess that is a what really makes me a loser, though- giving up. And I guess I am not truly giving up- I just could really use a break!

Once again, I am reminded of how I do not, in fact, excel at anything, except perhaps at being mediocre. Once again, I am spread thin trying to be everything, so as not to be great- no, even good- at anything.

Why does this keep haunting me? Why do these inadequacies always come back, stealing my joy, stealing my hope, stealing my life? Will I ever measure up? Will I ever truly succeed at anything? Will I ever feel like a winner?

I guess a better question would be, will I ever commit to one thing so wholeheartedly that nothing would get in the way of my success in it, and if so, what in my life is so important that it deserves that kind of devotion? The "right" answer is some godly pursuit that will not necessarily matter in this life but will reap eternal rewards. Why does that feel so fake to me? (which, of course, makes me feel even worse because it puts to question all that I supposedly believe...)

(Aside: how ironic- I struggle w/ questions of belief while my husband logs onto a game...)

What do I have to do to start feeling successful at least with some part of my life?

I guess I will go fold laundry now. At least I can successfully finish that. Oh yeah, there's another load in the dryer...and more to wash..........

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Category:Writing and Poetry

Well, I am attempting to write my 1st Christmas letter, and I can't tell you how much it blows. The things I want to say just should not be said. I don't know if people really care what we are up to anyway. And what if what we are up to isn't "great" enough? Do I really want to invite criticism at our decision to move? It was our decision to make, and I do not regret it, although there are things and people I miss.

This is just one of those loaded things that I desperately want to shy away from. Then again, part of me wants to share all that has happened throughout this year. It has been quite a year for us! Of course, the people I would send this to already know what is going on, so why should I bother?

I would rather write a note telling people to stop blaming me or guilt-tripping me about this move. I am not going back, and I don't even plan on visiting any time soon. The last trip was so emotionally exhausting that I promised myself not to forget it. I will not willingly put myself through that again any time soon. And it does go both ways. People can come here just as easily (or not so easily) as we can go there.

I wouldn't consider myself bitter about this, but I am sure making a good case for it, aren't I? Well, hopefully now that I have vented I will be able to write this w/ a bit more civility.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Category:Writing and Poetry
Initial Assessment facts

name- Amy Rose (Birong) Crum
preferred name- Cordelia...J/K Amy will do.
name meaning/ namesake- name means "Beloved" or "Loved by God", which has haunted me and given me hope all at the same time. Namesake? I don't believe I have one (although I do have an Aunt Amy), but the story behind my name is this: My mom wanted to name me Amalie after a book she had read called Come Home, Ammie, but my dad wanted to name me Amy. He would not even settle for it as a nickname- I am not sure why or where he got the name from. I think I will ask him, for I am realizing that I don't know anything about my name but only about that which is NOT my name! I do know that my middle name, Rose, is a family name. My grandmother is named "Rosalie", and I have several aunts, etc. on both sides of my mother's family who were named Rose. In fact, I have chosen to carry it on, as it is my favorite part of my name, by giving my daughter the same middle name.
where I've lived most recently- well, we just moved into a house in Colorado Springs after renting in the Springs for 9 months. Before that, we lived in Paddock Lake, WI for 5 1/2 years.
languages spoken- English is my first language but hopefully not my last. I started learning Spanish in hs but have never been exposed enough to become fluent, although it is one of my goals in life. I like languages enough that I would love to learn many more, especially since I have heard it just gets easier the more you learn because of the similarities. I also think I would be pretty good about keeping them straight because I am an orderly person and value keeping things organized and categorized.
birthdate- November 1st, 1974 at 1:06 am
birthday tradition- I don't think I have one, but I think it would be nice to have one. I have always liked birthdays, especially mine :), so I think I should start a tradition and come back and post it. I did just have a b-day one week ago, so it's not too late!
where were you born- Libertyville, IL at Condell Memorial Hospital
where you lived during your childhood- My first vague memories would be in the green house in Glen Carbon, IL. I was four when my parents divorced, and we moved from there. I think I stayed with my aunt in Grayslake in northern IL for a while, but I am not sure. When my dad remarried, we all lived in my new stepmom's little two bedroom trailer, all 7 of us! My parents had the front bedroom. My 2 brothers slept on bunk beds in the back bedroom, which also housed all of our dressers. My 2 sisters and I slept on the hideaway bed in the couch in the living room. Needless to say, it was tight quarters, even if we were little!
We moved to a large home in Round Lake Beach, IL, at 1126 Fairfield Rd. We stayed there until I was about 14, I think, although I did live w/ my mom in southern IL for about 6 months when I was in fourth grade. I also visited her frequently, spending vacations and summers with her.
The summer before 10th grade we moved to Trevor, WI, to a home my parents and some friends had fixed up. From there we moved to Kenosha, WI, to 6617 22nd Ave. I stayed there until I went on a missions trip overseas for 6 months.
I lived on the M/V Anastasis for three months traveling around the UK and then up through Sweden to Lithuania. From there, my grouop traveled to Poland and spent 7 weeks there in three different locations. I then spent a week in Switzerland before flying home.
I lived in Kenosha with my parents for about 3 months before I moved out on my own. I found a one bedroom apartment in Somers, just west of Kenosha. It was cute, but I really wanted to go back to school and was barely making it on the two jobs I was working, let alone try to add school into it. So I went and joined the Army.
Basic training took me to South Carolina and Virginia through the summer of '94. When I got back, I did move back in with my parents. My husband and I had renewed our engagement and were making wedding plans, so it made sense not to find another place.
Bob and I spent our 1st night together after we were married in our new home, a 1970 single wide mobile home in Union Grove, WI. We lived there about 1 1/2 years before we moved in to a brand new double wide trailer on the other side of Union Grove. We stayed there for about 3 1/2 years, bringing both of our children home from the hospital to that location. We then bought our first house in Paddock Lake, WI, where we lived for 5 1/2 years. That goes past childhood, but that's okay. This is my story, right?
Childhood memories/ high points- Boy, that's loaded, isn't it? I guess I tend to think of our vacations when I think of favorite childhood memories. Our family trip out west for three weeks surely takes the cake. Of course, there were only four of us at home by then, so it was a bit easier on my parents. Still, we did nothing even close to this as kids, so I guess it stands out as almost a dream. We had a lot of fun, saw a bunch of amazing sites including Mt. Rushmore, Lake Ogalala, Yellowstone, Bear Country USA, Wall Drug, and the beautiful Rocky Mountains. (It's no wonder I ended up out here considering the awe my father placed on these natural wonders.) I think my favorite memory, though, happened early one morning while we were driving. My sisters were both of driving age, so we did most of our traveling at night since we had 4 drivers. Even though I couldn't drive, I did sit up on "watch duty" with the driver at times, since the rest of the car was asleep. Well, my dad was driving, and I was sitting up with him as we were somewhere in South Dakota, I believe. The sun began to rise, and there in our sights was the Grand Tetons. I have never seen anything as glorious as the Grand Tetons at sunrise. It was just awesome. I remember feeling overwhelmed at the amazing beauty of it all.
Other childhood memories that stick out to me would be our frequent bike rides as a family, whether after dinner or on the weekend; my Halloween/ birthday weekend with Tom, my mom's ex-husband; my trip to the Ozarks with my mom and her boss's family; the holidays where we would entertain ourselves either through Hobo Races or performances or making videos in my brother's room/"studio"; or my love for music as I played the clarinet over 8 years.
highest level of education- some college, something I intend to complete one day, and I think I have found a major I am truly pasionate about- Recreational Therapy!
where you went to school-I imagine this refers to college, but I will include all of mine.
I attended Village Elementary school K-3. I went to school in Glen Carbon, IL, half of 4th grade, but I do not even remember the name of the school. One good thing that school started was Speech therapy, as I said my "Ss" as "THs". I returned to Village ES for the rest of 4th grade but was home-schooled fifth grade, which was basicallly self-taught. Sixth grade, I returned to Village, and that ended my public school attendance. I went to Calvary Christian School 7-9th grade, where I had two of my favorite teachers ever- Miss Metallo and Mrs. Kurtz, who happened to be good friends, although that cannot be too much of a surprise for a small Christian school with maybe 150 students total k-10. those truly were impressionable years for me, but I'll get back to that. We then moved to Kenosha, WI, where I attended and graduated from Christian Life High School, where I did meet my future husband. I started college at UW-Parkside right away but only stayed there 1 semester as I didn't know what I was going to do. Since then, I have returned there for more classes. I also have taken correspondence courses through UW-Extension and Liberty University.

I think this is where I will quit for now. As someone once said, "I'll be bok."
Thursday, November 09, 2006

Category:Writing and Poetry
We are like flowers
Growing, blossoming, and fading-
And seemingly unnoticed.

But who's to say
What impact we made?
And who can tell
Who noticed us
And will never forget
The imprint we left
On their lives.
Thursday, November 09, 2006

Category: Life
Well, once again it has been forever since I have put anything on here, but I do have good reason- moving. And moving is stressful, strenuous, tedious, and just plain time-consuming!!!
But I was inspired yesterday at work to begin writing again, specifically, my story. So I have chosen to undertake this project. And project it will be as I plan on following a ten page outline!!! That means, lots of stories, lots of details, lots of time! But I have always wanted to do this or something like this, and I believe having an outline to follow will help me stay on task and not become overwhelmed and give up, which I have been known to do before.
BTW, I have been writing a little poetry in a notebook in my purse. I don't have it in front of me or easily accessible(which means within reach w/o having to get up), so I will transcribe it another day. I do have one piece I scratched out the other day, so I will post it but on another entry. Actually, I think I will start my story on a separate entry as well. I always have been a little OCD about things, but what can I say, it makes me feel better!
And that's all I have to say about that...
Monday, September 18, 2006

Category: Life

So we close on our new home in 12 days. I am so very excited, but at the same time, I am nervous. There is so much that needs to come together, and that always stresses me out. I have never been good at "Enjoying the journey". I like results, accomplishments. I know, I know, that is not what 90% of life is about. So I am trying to embrace each day for what it is. I enjoy seeing my mini accomplishments each day- how many boxes I have packed, how tonight we played cards instead of packing because we really don't have that much to pack, how I will make time (after I am done here) to start learning to play the guitar (again), how I made homemade soup, that was really good I might add, tonight for dinner w/ fresh biscuits and dessert even though half- no, at least 2/3s- of my pots and pans are packed, and how I have brainstormed a way to put my husband through school! (Hey, even spelling it all out makes me feel better about this day's accomplishments!)

I am really just trying to "practice what I preach", as they say (whomever "they" are). I tell my daughter not to wish away her life; I tell people all the time that their attitude sets the stage for everything in their lives; and I tell other that they need to trust God and believe that He does have good intended for them. I do believe these things, and I need to live like it!

So I am excited! Yeah!!!! This is going to be fun! Moving and decorating and rearranging and starting afresh...yahoo!!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Category:Blogging

This is the third time I am trying this even though I swore I hated blogs. I guess I am viewing this more of a journal for me. I just hope it doesn't get lost. (My first one, I put a bunch of old poetry on it and stupidly threw away the hard copies, only to have my blog mysteriously disappear into internet space!)

I just want an outlet for my creative thinking and a vent for my ranting. I need to be able to express myself again for the sake of my creativity/sanity.

If you happen to stop by this blog, view it for what it is. Make your comments if you must, but understand this is more for me than you. You just happen to be privileged enough to take a small glimpse into my private thought life.


Wow, I Wrote A Lot More Than I Thought

Friday, March 16, 2007

Category: Blogging
Okay, I wrote the following to a long-lost friend, but it was so...cathartic to ruminate on it that I felt I needed to save it, if only for myself!
Hmmm...Colorado...well, we have always liked the West- the climate, the natural beauty, the adventure. A few years ago, we took a trip out this way to see some friends of ours who live here in the Springs, and we just fell in love even more! (and I don't know if you remember the 3 week vacation my family took when I was in jr high, but it was out West, w/ at least a week in CO) Oh, I also blame my dad because he always had that poster-size picture of the Rockies in our dining room, I don't know if you recall it or not. Anyway, after pining and whining for who knows how long, we finally came to the conclusion that we would never move if we didn't do something about it, and the worst thing that could happen is that it wouldn't work out and we would stay where we were! Well, after listing our house, it sold in 2 weeks! We also found jobs online (that we both later found out did not list their jobs online- interesting, huh?) Our friends here helped us find a rental unit, and besides some tough work and my disgruntled in-laws, off we went! We arrived here on January 1, 2006! It has been an interesting year of adjustments, but I must tell you that I feel more settled now than I have in years. For years back in WI, I felt like change was in the air, and it didn't matter what came up or what changed, it felt like there was more to come. I always was, how should I say it, just not at rest. Now, after a year of HUGE changes (we did move again- we now own a home in a much nicer area than we started in. Not ritzy, just not ghetto), I finally feel at peace, like this is where I belong. I cannot say that nothing will change or that there aren't things in my life that can or need to change, but it doesn't feel so monumental anymore. Even the prospect of having another baby- which is just HUGE in the change book- doesn't feel as overwhelming. I would like some changes- I would like to be more involved at church (we have been going to the same church about a year, but we haven't made any commitments and gotten involved, and unfortunately, that means I know almost no one there!); I wish there was something I could do about my job- I love what I do, and I carry our health insurance, but my wage is so low that it's embarassing, and I certainly don't feel valued; (once again) I need to do something about my weight (I don't remember when I saw you last- I did lose a grundle of weight, about 90 pounds! Unfortunately, I have gained about 20 back, and then I got pregnant! So, I know it is not changing anytime soon, which is okay, and I know I shouldn't be worrying about it now but focusing on having a healthy pregnancy and taking care of myself for the baby.); but htese all feel minute in the scheme of things. te baby is a big one- don't get me wrong- and it is on my mind a lot. But it also feels...right. I know I have said it before- like a second chance.
I know not everyone agrees with me and our reasons for leaving, but I don't regret it, and I do believe that we made the right decision.
Sunday, March 04, 2007

Category: Blogging
Last Thursday I went to the Dr. for my 1st ultrasound. It was so amazing! I have had an ultrasound earlier than this, but I didn't get to see anything. My due date was right on, so as of yesterday, I am 10 weeks along. And I just loved seeing the baby! It was swimming and moving, and it looked like it was waving at us! I watched and heard its heart beating. It has cute little arms and legs! it just made it seem real!
I mean, so far, yeah, the test was positive, and I feel pregnant, but seeing the baby brought it to a new level! I am not fooling anyone. I am not being lazy and simply eating too much. I am not "faking it".
And I brought two pictures home w/ me! I have been keeping them in my purse so I can show people. :) Actually, it was really cool at work because some of the residents awnted to see them, so I brought them to a group act. A few of them didn't even know you could get a picture like that! ( I did fail to mention it was taken w/ a vaginal ultrasound.)
Then, yesterday I went to a friend's baby shower- she is due in April. It was really fun to see all of the cute baby stuff and find out about some of the cool new inventions they have come out with in the last 8 years! It made me excited about getting things for the baby and a little apprehensive about how MUCH I will need for the baby! I am also so curious as to if it's a boy or girl- my friend's having a girl. I truly don't have a clue one way or another! There are reasons it would be nice to have each.
I am rethinking this whole "2 or 4" thing. These weeks are tough, even with the cramps gone. I wake up feeling pretty good, but about 4 pm every day, I feel like sh*#! I feel like I can barely function after then. If I am going to make dinner, it better be simmering by 3:59, or I might not finish it! Plus, my weight scares me. I am trying to be positive, realistic, and responsible, but it is a little nerve-wracking. I can tell you, I am already making plans for post-partum. No more screwing around!
We did get an elliptical, though, so that is good for now and later. I have started using it already and feel good about it. I do know not to let it wait until after 4 pm, though- made that mistake yesterday, and it did NOT happen.
All in all, I am excited and trying not to wish these days away, for they are important for what they are. I am not sure how much we will be doing this summer, but it will be different on the older kids once the baby is born, so I really do want to enjoy it! We don't plan on an infant ruling our lives or altering everything about what we do. Oh, we have a baby backpack so we will be able to hike as a family still- yeah! (Thank you, Mark and Katie!)
It's weird to think about "starting over", and sometimes I think, what did we do? but more than regret or apprehension, it feels like a chance to try again, to do better, to enjoy more, to be hopeful. And I totally understand how last children end up spoiled! :) (We'll try to be reasonable.)
Sunday, February 11, 2007

Category: Blogging
Perhaps it is a bit early for this, but we were all sitting around the dinner table the other night discussing it, so I thought I should keep track of them. Hopefully I remember all of the names we came up with!

We'll start with boy's names.

Zane (still one of my favorites)
Wolfgang, nickname Wolf
Wilhelm
Jacob (Maddie's suggestion which was promptly vetoed- we've known too many Jacobs.)
Zedd

Cannot think of the others. Let me try girl's names and see what comes.

Zoe (imi favorito!)
Rhonwyn
Orchid
Isabel
Violet

I cannot think of anymore. Figures. Well, it is a start.
Sunday, February 04, 2007

Category: Writing and Poetry
I asked God, "What do I look like to you?", and this was his response:

You are a Rose,
A beautiful gem in My garden,
A tender bud just beginning to open up
And reveal your true glory.

Oh, that I may be that rose in Your garden-
That my petals would be soft,
That my fragrance would be intoxicating,
That my color would be lovely to behold-
That I would share Your beauty with the world around me.
Sunday, February 04, 2007

Category: Blogging
I can barely believe it. After many years of thinking and wondering, I am finally pregnant again!
I am excited, too! I have often stared at little babies sweetly sleeping in their mother's arms and wondered if I would ever hold another one of my own again. I often have thought that maybe I shouldn't have any more, or worse, wouldn't be allowed to have any more, because I was a bad mother. The fact that I am now pregnant gives me hope and confidence that I wasn't so bad after all! There is also a wonderful empowerment that I feel at being a "Giver of Life". That is not to say that I think I did it on my own- thank you, Bob, for your contribution!- or that I do not credit God ultimately with the conception of this child/ children?. I just think that it is amazing to know that I have another living being growing inside my body. Without my body, this being would not grow or live at all. Through my body, I am giving it life. God chose women to exhibit this character of His to creation. What a precious gift! And what an honor!
On a different note, I must admit that I am apprehensive. I feel like crap 95% of the day; I know things get bigger/ sooner/ harder/ more w/ each pregnancy, and this is #3; I dread the possibility of regular chest pains from my spasming esophagus; and I have never tried to work and have a baby before. It is all a bit daunting at the moment, and that barely scratches the surface. I haven't even mentioned the fact that I need EVERYTHING for the baby or the fact that I had already gained 15-20 lbs before I found out I was pregnant! It all seems a bit overwhelming!
Not that I want to dwell on the negative, and truly, I haven't been. I have been excited and have been telling family and friends, who, for the most part are excited w/ me if not a bit shocked of the age span between my children. (Garrett will be turning 10 and Madelene will be 8 when the baby is born.)
Overall, I do believe the timing of this addition to our family is God-ordained, and I believe He will work out the details of it all. Actually, I do have one piece of baby equipment- a solid oak crib from a friend who was having a hard time giving it up but was more than thrilled to pass it on to me! (Thank you, Amy- this is such a blessing!)
So, while I begin making plans and preparations, I will rest in the knowledge that God is truly in control of this whole thing, and I can lean on Him for support and provision in every way that I find I am lacking.
Saturday, January 20, 2007

Category: Writing and Poetry
So tie your stone around your neck
Step off the edge
And take your plunge-
It is your only reconciliation.

Why must you utter these lies?
You've hurt me before
With your empty promises.
Do you even see your folly?

You stone-blind fool!
You snatch away and never repay
You've put your foot in your mouth
Again. You stone-blind fool.
Thursday, January 11, 2007

Category: Writing and Poetry
Oh, to feel the rain upon my face,
Cool, refreshing- coming to erase
The wrongs I find I long to still embrace-
Wash away that which I no longer face-
That's how you are like Spring to me.

Oh, to feel the sun upon my face,
The warmth envelop in that secret place,
Assurance- that I no longer need to chase
Those strivings- you have covered me with grace-
You are like Summer to me.

Oh, to feel the wind upon my face,
Bringing change about in my mind's space,
Blowing Past away without a trace,
Leaving my clean slate along the base-
You are like Autumn to me.

Oh, to feel snowflakes upon my face,
Gentle sweet reminders that replace
The bitter words of sorrow and disgrace,
Mini lovenotes, delicate as lace-
That's how you are like Winter to me.
Thursday, January 11, 2007

Category: Blogging
I should be just adding another resolution that has been eating me alive- to begin taking piano lessons and begin writing music and poetry again, but I barely have the heart right now to think about it.
I just got home from a special Nichole Nordeman fundraising concert. It was wonderful. As always, she played and sang beautifully; her lyrics are mesmerizing; and her physical beauty is stunning as well.
I cannot say how inadequate I feel. I sing okay, not great; I don't play an instrument; my writing was good...when I was 14; and looks? I am not even going there.
(By the way, anyone reading this, this is not a pitiful cry for compliments, etc. I am simply working this through and don't really want comments. Just please, tread lightly.)
I feel like I have failed before I have even begun. And speaking of beginning, when the hell am I going to "begin" to do ANYTHING? I am 32, for heaven's sake! What in the world do I want to do with my life? And how come every time I get inspired or gain some courage, I get knocked down, generally before anything is even acted upon! I feel like the stupid school kid who tries to avoid the bump in the sidewalk, just to trip over the kid who thinks it's funny to pull others down.
I suppose that is exactly what is happening, and the "kid" has a name- Lucifer. I know it sounds like I am seeing demons around every corner, but that is truly not the case. I just know that I have really been working to change my attitude about a lot of things, and the Enemy does not look too kindly on that. You know, you start renouncing the agreements that you had previously made, and he's got to bring some new ammo. your way... or at least dredge up the old ones and try to make you think they are true.
Well, I may not be a famous singer, but I have something to offer, and I vow to figure out exactly what that is!!! Now there's a resolution for you!
Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Category: Blogging
Forgot to add to goals for this year-

4. Save up for and purchase new dining room set.
Monday, January 01, 2007

Category: Blogging

Happy New Year!!!

I have to say, I am pretty optimistic about the new year. It is a fresh start, and that sounds so inviting to me! I also have some goals and, yes, resolutions that are on my heart. So I think I will take this opportunity to follow my own advice, and pen them promptly.

First of all, my resolutions.

1. I will eat healthy- I want to take better care of myself with what I eat, not just to lose weight or be thin, but for my body's health and for my future, because it is the right thing to do, because I refuse to be enslaved to food anymore, because I am sick and tired of "dieting" just to fall off the wagon...

2. I will lose weight and change my body through a healthy and happy lifestyle. I will focus on taking care of myself and seeing myself as God sees me- beautiful and unique- and let my body adjust as needed.

3. I will be more patient and loving with my family. They are those that are most important to me in this life, and I refuse to use them or mistreat them in any way any longer.

4. I will watch what I say and strive to extinguish the use of profanityfrom my vocabulary NO MATTER WHAT IS SAID AROUND ME!

5. I will be kinder to myself, more forgiving, knowing that I am human and will make mistakes, but that a true failure is only the one who stops trying and gives up.

Goals.

Daily.

1. I will read my Bible.

2. I willl read something else, even if only for 15 minutes.

Weekly.

1. I will aim to exercise aerobically for at least 45 minutes 4-6x/wk.

2. I will do weight-bearing exercises 2-3x/wk.

3. I will spend time w/ my family having fun at least 1x/wk.

4. I will express myself creatively at least 1x/wk.

Monthly.

1. I will go on a date w/ my husband at least 1x/ month.

2. I will arrange for personal time at least 1x/ month.

Yearly.

1. We will take a road trip as a family and enjoy the West we live in, even if just for a weekend.

2. We will go on at least one camping trip as a family.

3. I will climb Pikes Peak.

I will revise this or add to it as needed, but I need something to aim towards short-term and long-term, so here it is.