Sunday, December 10, 2006  |
Category:Writing and Poetry I am feeling blue. Yes, downright depressed. All the sh*% in my life that I have been trying to get together just seems to be getting worse. Everything I try to do or improve or fix, not only do I fail, but I stand by and watch someone else succeed! I feel like such a miserablef*%king failure! I am so tired of it, but I am sick of fighting, too. I guess that is a what really makes me a loser, though- giving up. And I guess I am not truly giving up- I just could really use a break! Once again, I am reminded of how I do not, in fact, excel at anything, except perhaps at being mediocre. Once again, I am spread thin trying to be everything, so as not to be great- no, even good- at anything. Why does this keep haunting me? Why do these inadequacies always come back, stealing my joy, stealing my hope, stealing my life? Will I ever measure up? Will I ever truly succeed at anything? Will I ever feel like a winner? I guess a better question would be, will I ever commit to one thing so wholeheartedly that nothing would get in the way of my success in it, and if so, what in my life is so important that it deserves that kind of devotion? The "right" answer is some godly pursuit that will not necessarily matter in this life but will reap eternal rewards. Why does that feel so fake to me? (which, of course, makes me feel even worse because it puts to question all that I supposedly believe...) (Aside: how ironic- I struggle w/ questions of belief while my husband logs onto a game...) What do I have to do to start feeling successful at least with some part of my life? I guess I will go fold laundry now. At least I can successfully finish that. Oh yeah, there's another load in the dryer...and more to wash.......... |
| | Thursday, December 07, 2006 |
Category:Writing and Poetry Well, I am attempting to write my 1st Christmas letter, and I can't tell you how much it blows. The things I want to say just should not be said. I don't know if people really care what we are up to anyway. And what if what we are up to isn't "great" enough? Do I really want to invite criticism at our decision to move? It was our decision to make, and I do not regret it, although there are things and people I miss. This is just one of those loaded things that I desperately want to shy away from. Then again, part of me wants to share all that has happened throughout this year. It has been quite a year for us! Of course, the people I would send this to already know what is going on, so why should I bother? I would rather write a note telling people to stop blaming me or guilt-tripping me about this move. I am not going back, and I don't even plan on visiting any time soon. The last trip was so emotionally exhausting that I promised myself not to forget it. I will not willingly put myself through that again any time soon. And it does go both ways. People can come here just as easily (or not so easily) as we can go there. I wouldn't consider myself bitter about this, but I am sure making a good case for it, aren't I? Well, hopefully now that I have vented I will be able to write this w/ a bit more civility. |
| | Thursday, November 09, 2006 |
Category:Writing and Poetry Initial Assessment facts
name- Amy Rose (Birong) Crum
preferred name- Cordelia...J/K Amy will do.
name meaning/ namesake- name means "Beloved" or "Loved by God", which has haunted me and given me hope all at the same time. Namesake? I don't believe I have one (although I do have an Aunt Amy), but the story behind my name is this: My mom wanted to name me Amalie after a book she had read called Come Home, Ammie, but my dad wanted to name me Amy. He would not even settle for it as a nickname- I am not sure why or where he got the name from. I think I will ask him, for I am realizing that I don't know anything about my name but only about that which is NOT my name! I do know that my middle name, Rose, is a family name. My grandmother is named "Rosalie", and I have several aunts, etc. on both sides of my mother's family who were named Rose. In fact, I have chosen to carry it on, as it is my favorite part of my name, by giving my daughter the same middle name.
where I've lived most recently- well, we just moved into a house in Colorado Springs after renting in the Springs for 9 months. Before that, we lived in Paddock Lake, WI for 5 1/2 years.
languages spoken- English is my first language but hopefully not my last. I started learning Spanish in hs but have never been exposed enough to become fluent, although it is one of my goals in life. I like languages enough that I would love to learn many more, especially since I have heard it just gets easier the more you learn because of the similarities. I also think I would be pretty good about keeping them straight because I am an orderly person and value keeping things organized and categorized.
birthdate- November 1st, 1974 at 1:06 am
birthday tradition- I don't think I have one, but I think it would be nice to have one. I have always liked birthdays, especially mine :), so I think I should start a tradition and come back and post it. I did just have a b-day one week ago, so it's not too late!
where were you born- Libertyville, IL at Condell Memorial Hospital
where you lived during your childhood- My first vague memories would be in the green house in Glen Carbon, IL. I was four when my parents divorced, and we moved from there. I think I stayed with my aunt in Grayslake in northern IL for a while, but I am not sure. When my dad remarried, we all lived in my new stepmom's little two bedroom trailer, all 7 of us! My parents had the front bedroom. My 2 brothers slept on bunk beds in the back bedroom, which also housed all of our dressers. My 2 sisters and I slept on the hideaway bed in the couch in the living room. Needless to say, it was tight quarters, even if we were little!
We moved to a large home in Round Lake Beach, IL, at 1126 Fairfield Rd. We stayed there until I was about 14, I think, although I did live w/ my mom in southern IL for about 6 months when I was in fourth grade. I also visited her frequently, spending vacations and summers with her.
The summer before 10th grade we moved to Trevor, WI, to a home my parents and some friends had fixed up. From there we moved to Kenosha, WI, to 6617 22nd Ave. I stayed there until I went on a missions trip overseas for 6 months.
I lived on the M/V Anastasis for three months traveling around the UK and then up through Sweden to Lithuania. From there, my grouop traveled to Poland and spent 7 weeks there in three different locations. I then spent a week in Switzerland before flying home.
I lived in Kenosha with my parents for about 3 months before I moved out on my own. I found a one bedroom apartment in Somers, just west of Kenosha. It was cute, but I really wanted to go back to school and was barely making it on the two jobs I was working, let alone try to add school into it. So I went and joined the Army.
Basic training took me to South Carolina and Virginia through the summer of '94. When I got back, I did move back in with my parents. My husband and I had renewed our engagement and were making wedding plans, so it made sense not to find another place.
Bob and I spent our 1st night together after we were married in our new home, a 1970 single wide mobile home in Union Grove, WI. We lived there about 1 1/2 years before we moved in to a brand new double wide trailer on the other side of Union Grove. We stayed there for about 3 1/2 years, bringing both of our children home from the hospital to that location. We then bought our first house in Paddock Lake, WI, where we lived for 5 1/2 years. That goes past childhood, but that's okay. This is my story, right?
Childhood memories/ high points- Boy, that's loaded, isn't it? I guess I tend to think of our vacations when I think of favorite childhood memories. Our family trip out west for three weeks surely takes the cake. Of course, there were only four of us at home by then, so it was a bit easier on my parents. Still, we did nothing even close to this as kids, so I guess it stands out as almost a dream. We had a lot of fun, saw a bunch of amazing sites including Mt. Rushmore, Lake Ogalala, Yellowstone, Bear Country USA, Wall Drug, and the beautiful Rocky Mountains. (It's no wonder I ended up out here considering the awe my father placed on these natural wonders.) I think my favorite memory, though, happened early one morning while we were driving. My sisters were both of driving age, so we did most of our traveling at night since we had 4 drivers. Even though I couldn't drive, I did sit up on "watch duty" with the driver at times, since the rest of the car was asleep. Well, my dad was driving, and I was sitting up with him as we were somewhere in South Dakota, I believe. The sun began to rise, and there in our sights was the Grand Tetons. I have never seen anything as glorious as the Grand Tetons at sunrise. It was just awesome. I remember feeling overwhelmed at the amazing beauty of it all.
Other childhood memories that stick out to me would be our frequent bike rides as a family, whether after dinner or on the weekend; my Halloween/ birthday weekend with Tom, my mom's ex-husband; my trip to the Ozarks with my mom and her boss's family; the holidays where we would entertain ourselves either through Hobo Races or performances or making videos in my brother's room/"studio"; or my love for music as I played the clarinet over 8 years.
highest level of education- some college, something I intend to complete one day, and I think I have found a major I am truly pasionate about- Recreational Therapy!
where you went to school-I imagine this refers to college, but I will include all of mine.
I attended Village Elementary school K-3. I went to school in Glen Carbon, IL, half of 4th grade, but I do not even remember the name of the school. One good thing that school started was Speech therapy, as I said my "Ss" as "THs". I returned to Village ES for the rest of 4th grade but was home-schooled fifth grade, which was basicallly self-taught. Sixth grade, I returned to Village, and that ended my public school attendance. I went to Calvary Christian School 7-9th grade, where I had two of my favorite teachers ever- Miss Metallo and Mrs. Kurtz, who happened to be good friends, although that cannot be too much of a surprise for a small Christian school with maybe 150 students total k-10. those truly were impressionable years for me, but I'll get back to that. We then moved to Kenosha, WI, where I attended and graduated from Christian Life High School, where I did meet my future husband. I started college at UW-Parkside right away but only stayed there 1 semester as I didn't know what I was going to do. Since then, I have returned there for more classes. I also have taken correspondence courses through UW-Extension and Liberty University.
I think this is where I will quit for now. As someone once said, "I'll be bok." |
| | Thursday, November 09, 2006 |
Category:Writing and Poetry We are like flowers
Growing, blossoming, and fading-
And seemingly unnoticed.
But who's to say
What impact we made?
And who can tell
Who noticed us
And will never forget
The imprint we left
On their lives. |
| | Thursday, November 09, 2006 |
Category: Life Well, once again it has been forever since I have put anything on here, but I do have good reason- moving. And moving is stressful, strenuous, tedious, and just plain time-consuming!!!
But I was inspired yesterday at work to begin writing again, specifically, my story. So I have chosen to undertake this project. And project it will be as I plan on following a ten page outline!!! That means, lots of stories, lots of details, lots of time! But I have always wanted to do this or something like this, and I believe having an outline to follow will help me stay on task and not become overwhelmed and give up, which I have been known to do before.
BTW, I have been writing a little poetry in a notebook in my purse. I don't have it in front of me or easily accessible(which means within reach w/o having to get up), so I will transcribe it another day. I do have one piece I scratched out the other day, so I will post it but on another entry. Actually, I think I will start my story on a separate entry as well. I always have been a little OCD about things, but what can I say, it makes me feel better!
And that's all I have to say about that... |
| | Monday, September 18, 2006 |
Category: Life So we close on our new home in 12 days. I am so very excited, but at the same time, I am nervous. There is so much that needs to come together, and that always stresses me out. I have never been good at "Enjoying the journey". I like results, accomplishments. I know, I know, that is not what 90% of life is about. So I am trying to embrace each day for what it is. I enjoy seeing my mini accomplishments each day- how many boxes I have packed, how tonight we played cards instead of packing because we really don't have that much to pack, how I will make time (after I am done here) to start learning to play the guitar (again), how I made homemade soup, that was really good I might add, tonight for dinner w/ fresh biscuits and dessert even though half- no, at least 2/3s- of my pots and pans are packed, and how I have brainstormed a way to put my husband through school! (Hey, even spelling it all out makes me feel better about this day's accomplishments! ) I am really just trying to "practice what I preach", as they say (whomever "they" are). I tell my daughter not to wish away her life; I tell people all the time that their attitude sets the stage for everything in their lives; and I tell other that they need to trust God and believe that He does have good intended for them. I do believe these things, and I need to live like it! So I am excited! Yeah!!!! This is going to be fun! Moving and decorating and rearranging and starting afresh...yahoo!!! |
| | Sunday, August 20, 2006 |
Category:Blogging This is the third time I am trying this even though I swore I hated blogs. I guess I am viewing this more of a journal for me. I just hope it doesn't get lost. (My first one, I put a bunch of old poetry on it and stupidly threw away the hard copies, only to have my blog mysteriously disappear into internet space!) I just want an outlet for my creative thinking and a vent for my ranting. I need to be able to express myself again for the sake of my creativity/sanity. If you happen to stop by this blog, view it for what it is. Make your comments if you must, but understand this is more for me than you. You just happen to be privileged enough to take a small glimpse into my private thought life. |
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