Friday, March 16, 2007  |
Category: Blogging Okay, I wrote the following to a long-lost friend, but it was so...cathartic to ruminate on it that I felt I needed to save it, if only for myself!
Hmmm...Colorado...well, we have always liked the West- the climate, the natural beauty, the adventure. A few years ago, we took a trip out this way to see some friends of ours who live here in the Springs, and we just fell in love even more! (and I don't know if you remember the 3 week vacation my family took when I was in jr high, but it was out West, w/ at least a week in CO) Oh, I also blame my dad because he always had that poster-size picture of the Rockies in our dining room, I don't know if you recall it or not. Anyway, after pining and whining for who knows how long, we finally came to the conclusion that we would never move if we didn't do something about it, and the worst thing that could happen is that it wouldn't work out and we would stay where we were! Well, after listing our house, it sold in 2 weeks! We also found jobs online (that we both later found out did not list their jobs online- interesting, huh?) Our friends here helped us find a rental unit, and besides some tough work and my disgruntled in-laws, off we went! We arrived here on January 1, 2006! It has been an interesting year of adjustments, but I must tell you that I feel more settled now than I have in years. For years back in WI, I felt like change was in the air, and it didn't matter what came up or what changed, it felt like there was more to come. I always was, how should I say it, just not at rest. Now, after a year of HUGE changes (we did move again- we now own a home in a much nicer area than we started in. Not ritzy, just not ghetto), I finally feel at peace, like this is where I belong. I cannot say that nothing will change or that there aren't things in my life that can or need to change, but it doesn't feel so monumental anymore. Even the prospect of having another baby- which is just HUGE in the change book- doesn't feel as overwhelming. I would like some changes- I would like to be more involved at church (we have been going to the same church about a year, but we haven't made any commitments and gotten involved, and unfortunately, that means I know almost no one there!); I wish there was something I could do about my job- I love what I do, and I carry our health insurance, but my wage is so low that it's embarassing, and I certainly don't feel valued; (once again) I need to do something about my weight (I don't remember when I saw you last- I did lose a grundle of weight, about 90 pounds! Unfortunately, I have gained about 20 back, and then I got pregnant! So, I know it is not changing anytime soon, which is okay, and I know I shouldn't be worrying about it now but focusing on having a healthy pregnancy and taking care of myself for the baby.); but htese all feel minute in the scheme of things. te baby is a big one- don't get me wrong- and it is on my mind a lot. But it also feels...right. I know I have said it before- like a second chance.
I know not everyone agrees with me and our reasons for leaving, but I don't regret it, and I do believe that we made the right decision. |
| | Sunday, March 04, 2007 |
Category: Blogging Last Thursday I went to the Dr. for my 1st ultrasound. It was so amazing! I have had an ultrasound earlier than this, but I didn't get to see anything. My due date was right on, so as of yesterday, I am 10 weeks along. And I just loved seeing the baby! It was swimming and moving, and it looked like it was waving at us! I watched and heard its heart beating. It has cute little arms and legs! it just made it seem real!
I mean, so far, yeah, the test was positive, and I feel pregnant, but seeing the baby brought it to a new level! I am not fooling anyone. I am not being lazy and simply eating too much. I am not "faking it".
And I brought two pictures home w/ me! I have been keeping them in my purse so I can show people. :) Actually, it was really cool at work because some of the residents awnted to see them, so I brought them to a group act. A few of them didn't even know you could get a picture like that! ( I did fail to mention it was taken w/ a vaginal ultrasound.)
Then, yesterday I went to a friend's baby shower- she is due in April. It was really fun to see all of the cute baby stuff and find out about some of the cool new inventions they have come out with in the last 8 years! It made me excited about getting things for the baby and a little apprehensive about how MUCH I will need for the baby! I am also so curious as to if it's a boy or girl- my friend's having a girl. I truly don't have a clue one way or another! There are reasons it would be nice to have each.
I am rethinking this whole "2 or 4" thing. These weeks are tough, even with the cramps gone. I wake up feeling pretty good, but about 4 pm every day, I feel like sh*#! I feel like I can barely function after then. If I am going to make dinner, it better be simmering by 3:59, or I might not finish it! Plus, my weight scares me. I am trying to be positive, realistic, and responsible, but it is a little nerve-wracking. I can tell you, I am already making plans for post-partum. No more screwing around!
We did get an elliptical, though, so that is good for now and later. I have started using it already and feel good about it. I do know not to let it wait until after 4 pm, though- made that mistake yesterday, and it did NOT happen.
All in all, I am excited and trying not to wish these days away, for they are important for what they are. I am not sure how much we will be doing this summer, but it will be different on the older kids once the baby is born, so I really do want to enjoy it! We don't plan on an infant ruling our lives or altering everything about what we do. Oh, we have a baby backpack so we will be able to hike as a family still- yeah! (Thank you, Mark and Katie!)
It's weird to think about "starting over", and sometimes I think, what did we do? but more than regret or apprehension, it feels like a chance to try again, to do better, to enjoy more, to be hopeful. And I totally understand how last children end up spoiled! :) (We'll try to be reasonable.) |
| | Sunday, February 11, 2007 |
Category: Blogging Perhaps it is a bit early for this, but we were all sitting around the dinner table the other night discussing it, so I thought I should keep track of them. Hopefully I remember all of the names we came up with!
We'll start with boy's names.
Zane (still one of my favorites)
Wolfgang, nickname Wolf
Wilhelm
Jacob (Maddie's suggestion which was promptly vetoed- we've known too many Jacobs.)
Zedd
Cannot think of the others. Let me try girl's names and see what comes.
Zoe (imi favorito!)
Rhonwyn
Orchid
Isabel
Violet
I cannot think of anymore. Figures. Well, it is a start. |
| | Sunday, February 04, 2007 |
Category: Writing and Poetry I asked God, "What do I look like to you?", and this was his response:
You are a Rose,
A beautiful gem in My garden,
A tender bud just beginning to open up
And reveal your true glory.
Oh, that I may be that rose in Your garden-
That my petals would be soft,
That my fragrance would be intoxicating,
That my color would be lovely to behold-
That I would share Your beauty with the world around me. |
| | Sunday, February 04, 2007 |
Category: Blogging I can barely believe it. After many years of thinking and wondering, I am finally pregnant again!
I am excited, too! I have often stared at little babies sweetly sleeping in their mother's arms and wondered if I would ever hold another one of my own again. I often have thought that maybe I shouldn't have any more, or worse, wouldn't be allowed to have any more, because I was a bad mother. The fact that I am now pregnant gives me hope and confidence that I wasn't so bad after all! There is also a wonderful empowerment that I feel at being a "Giver of Life". That is not to say that I think I did it on my own- thank you, Bob, for your contribution!- or that I do not credit God ultimately with the conception of this child/ children?. I just think that it is amazing to know that I have another living being growing inside my body. Without my body, this being would not grow or live at all. Through my body, I am giving it life. God chose women to exhibit this character of His to creation. What a precious gift! And what an honor!
On a different note, I must admit that I am apprehensive. I feel like crap 95% of the day; I know things get bigger/ sooner/ harder/ more w/ each pregnancy, and this is #3; I dread the possibility of regular chest pains from my spasming esophagus; and I have never tried to work and have a baby before. It is all a bit daunting at the moment, and that barely scratches the surface. I haven't even mentioned the fact that I need EVERYTHING for the baby or the fact that I had already gained 15-20 lbs before I found out I was pregnant! It all seems a bit overwhelming!
Not that I want to dwell on the negative, and truly, I haven't been. I have been excited and have been telling family and friends, who, for the most part are excited w/ me if not a bit shocked of the age span between my children. (Garrett will be turning 10 and Madelene will be 8 when the baby is born.)
Overall, I do believe the timing of this addition to our family is God-ordained, and I believe He will work out the details of it all. Actually, I do have one piece of baby equipment- a solid oak crib from a friend who was having a hard time giving it up but was more than thrilled to pass it on to me! (Thank you, Amy- this is such a blessing!)
So, while I begin making plans and preparations, I will rest in the knowledge that God is truly in control of this whole thing, and I can lean on Him for support and provision in every way that I find I am lacking. |
| | Saturday, January 20, 2007 |
Category: Writing and Poetry So tie your stone around your neck
Step off the edge
And take your plunge-
It is your only reconciliation.
Why must you utter these lies?
You've hurt me before
With your empty promises.
Do you even see your folly?
You stone-blind fool!
You snatch away and never repay
You've put your foot in your mouth
Again. You stone-blind fool. |
| | Thursday, January 11, 2007 |
Category: Writing and Poetry Oh, to feel the rain upon my face,
Cool, refreshing- coming to erase
The wrongs I find I long to still embrace-
Wash away that which I no longer face-
That's how you are like Spring to me.
Oh, to feel the sun upon my face,
The warmth envelop in that secret place,
Assurance- that I no longer need to chase
Those strivings- you have covered me with grace-
You are like Summer to me.
Oh, to feel the wind upon my face,
Bringing change about in my mind's space,
Blowing Past away without a trace,
Leaving my clean slate along the base-
You are like Autumn to me.
Oh, to feel snowflakes upon my face,
Gentle sweet reminders that replace
The bitter words of sorrow and disgrace,
Mini lovenotes, delicate as lace-
That's how you are like Winter to me. |
| | Thursday, January 11, 2007 |
Category: Blogging I should be just adding another resolution that has been eating me alive- to begin taking piano lessons and begin writing music and poetry again, but I barely have the heart right now to think about it.
I just got home from a special Nichole Nordeman fundraising concert. It was wonderful. As always, she played and sang beautifully; her lyrics are mesmerizing; and her physical beauty is stunning as well.
I cannot say how inadequate I feel. I sing okay, not great; I don't play an instrument; my writing was good...when I was 14; and looks? I am not even going there.
(By the way, anyone reading this, this is not a pitiful cry for compliments, etc. I am simply working this through and don't really want comments. Just please, tread lightly.)
I feel like I have failed before I have even begun. And speaking of beginning, when the hell am I going to "begin" to do ANYTHING? I am 32, for heaven's sake! What in the world do I want to do with my life? And how come every time I get inspired or gain some courage, I get knocked down, generally before anything is even acted upon! I feel like the stupid school kid who tries to avoid the bump in the sidewalk, just to trip over the kid who thinks it's funny to pull others down.
I suppose that is exactly what is happening, and the "kid" has a name- Lucifer. I know it sounds like I am seeing demons around every corner, but that is truly not the case. I just know that I have really been working to change my attitude about a lot of things, and the Enemy does not look too kindly on that. You know, you start renouncing the agreements that you had previously made, and he's got to bring some new ammo. your way... or at least dredge up the old ones and try to make you think they are true.
Well, I may not be a famous singer, but I have something to offer, and I vow to figure out exactly what that is!!! Now there's a resolution for you! |
| | Wednesday, January 03, 2007 |
Category: Blogging Forgot to add to goals for this year-
4. Save up for and purchase new dining room set. |
| | Monday, January 01, 2007 |
Category: Blogging Happy New Year!!! I have to say, I am pretty optimistic about the new year. It is a fresh start, and that sounds so inviting to me! I also have some goals and, yes, resolutions that are on my heart. So I think I will take this opportunity to follow my own advice, and pen them promptly. First of all, my resolutions. 1. I will eat healthy- I want to take better care of myself with what I eat, not just to lose weight or be thin, but for my body's health and for my future, because it is the right thing to do, because I refuse to be enslaved to food anymore, because I am sick and tired of "dieting" just to fall off the wagon... 2. I will lose weight and change my body through a healthy and happy lifestyle. I will focus on taking care of myself and seeing myself as God sees me- beautiful and unique- and let my body adjust as needed. 3. I will be more patient and loving with my family. They are those that are most important to me in this life, and I refuse to use them or mistreat them in any way any longer. 4. I will watch what I say and strive to extinguish the use of profanityfrom my vocabulary NO MATTER WHAT IS SAID AROUND ME! 5. I will be kinder to myself, more forgiving, knowing that I am human and will make mistakes, but that a true failure is only the one who stops trying and gives up. Goals. Daily. 1. I will read my Bible. 2. I willl read something else, even if only for 15 minutes. Weekly. 1. I will aim to exercise aerobically for at least 45 minutes 4-6x/wk. 2. I will do weight-bearing exercises 2-3x/wk. 3. I will spend time w/ my family having fun at least 1x/wk. 4. I will express myself creatively at least 1x/wk. Monthly. 1. I will go on a date w/ my husband at least 1x/ month. 2. I will arrange for personal time at least 1x/ month. Yearly. 1. We will take a road trip as a family and enjoy the West we live in, even if just for a weekend. 2. We will go on at least one camping trip as a family. 3. I will climb Pikes Peak. I will revise this or add to it as needed, but I need something to aim towards short-term and long-term, so here it is. |
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