How to Deal with the Munchies

So it's 10:30 at night, and we're watching TV, chilling out.  My husband is eating a big bowl of taco salad left over from dinner. (BTW--it was delicious!)  There's a family size bag of tortilla chips left over from dinner sitting on the table. And my stomach is growling!  How do I overcome the temptation?

Well, here's the thing about doing something as crazy as the Master Cleanse.  I have set quite a precedent for myself.  You see, every time I am hungry now, I can simply remind myself, Girl, you felt empty like this for 6 days straight.  You can handle a little hunger for the evening.

I am telling you, I am laughing at myself while Bob finishes the bowl of taco salad.  I simply went and brushed my teeth instead.  Admitting out loud my craving, along with my realization that I have faced a much harder struggle than this, I have taken the air out of the proverbial balloon.  I brushed my teeth with Cinnamint toothpaste and am sipping my water.

Don't get me wrong, I am not taking all of the credit.  I have been praying, reading my Bible, and seeking encouragement from friends.  Support makes a big difference.  I am NOT alone!  But God does equip us, and I appreciate the experience I have had because of the perspective it is currently giving me!

A New Way

2 more days post-cleanse, and I feel that I am doing well.  It is not easy, as there are so many delicious but unhealthy food choices out there.  I certainly have been tempted, but I do feel that I have made good decisions.  I am trying to stay away from starchy carbs, keeping them to a minimum.  I am focusing on vegetables and fruit and watching portion sizes as well.  I was definitely hungry when I went to bed last night AND hungry when I woke up this morning!

I tried on some smaller clothes. While I could get them up, and button and zip them, they were still too tight to wear out.  If I lose another 5 or so lbs before we leave, they might fit.  I just need to stay focused on making right decisions.

I did go shopping at a couple thrift stores and found a few shirts and bottoms that fit now.  I don't want to give up, but I also need to be prepared for when we go on vacation.  I went through my clothes earlier today and just didn't have a lot of options to bring with me.  I am still hoping to at least fit into my white skirt.  I bought a beautiful green and white shirt that would look great with it!

Easing Out

Day 1, Ease-out
9:19 pm

My first day after my cleanse has been interesting.  I started with a big glass of water and then orange juice.  No salt water and no lemons or limes!  I progressed to watermelon and cantaloupe during the day and had a smoothie for dinner.  I was hungry all day, which was really weird!  I drank a ton of water.  I felt pretty good.

This morning, I read another encouraging section in Made to Crave.  This one talks about Karen Ehman's story about being discouraged about a measly weight loss one week after doing everything right.  She then felt God showing her that, when you make the right choices, you should focus on your obedience to God, not on the numbers on the scale.

So, I am rejoicing in my 4 pound weight loss.  I am focusing on honoring God with all I do, including what I eat.  I am excited about choosing good foods and about watching my portions.  I think God has good things in store for me, and I am excited to be a part of what God is doing in my life!

A New Way

Day 6, 8:50 pm

I woke up at 6 am this morning.  I got up, went to the bathroom, and weighted myself.  To my disappointment, I weighed the same as the last three days, or really four days.  When I am consuming less than 1000 calories/day, is that even possible?  Who knows?  I have certainly followed the program.

Well, anyway...I decided to focus on God and not sweat the number, despite my dismay.  I read my chapter in the Bible and a chapter in Made To Crave.  Of course, the main point of the chapter was this: don't get caught up on the numbers.  Hmmm...

Later, I was reading through the daily devos that get sent to my e-mail.  The first one talked about the story in the gospels where the disciples, who had been fishing all night and had caught nothing, were told by Jesus to throw the net to the other side of the boat--to try something new.  Hmmm...

The next one I read talked about valuing the small things in life.  It wasn't just accepting little things in life; it was embracing it and being ecstatic about it.  Hmmm...

I have been praying and thinking on and off throughout the day, and I have decided to finish my cleanse tonight.  I will have to do the Ease-out so I don't get sick.  I have just decided to start on orange juice tomorrow and to move to smoothies and broth.  I don't feel like a quitter; I just don't see the value of continuing like this.  I believe that those little messages from this morning were God's quiet voice telling me, Amy, you need to be happy with the small success I have given you, but now it's time to try something new.  It's time to move on to a normal eating pattern with healthy choices.

So that  is where I am headed, a healthy way of life.  I want to make good choices on food and control my portion sizes, hopefully with the help of a smaller stomach and a clean slate on the cravings.  I want to set a good example for my family and provide healthy, tasteful options as the norm.  This is my true reset.  This is my new beginning.

P.S. After voicing some preconceived ideas to a caring friend, I decided to follow her advice and get over the expectation to wear a smaller size clothing on vacation, just for the approval of others.  Thanks, Jane!

Halfway There

Day 5, 8:10 pm

Finishing up today represents the halfway point for me.  Has it been easy?  No.  Was it harder than the other days?  No.  Mentally, my daughter's cooked ham smelled amazing at lunchtime, and the pasta dinner I made my family looked so delicious.  But it is just food, and I can certainly have some another time.

I think the most depression came from my weigh-in, and the lack of progress.  I weighed the same as yesterday, which was 2 # up from the day before.  *sigh*  This is not easy, and for what I am sacrificing, I would expect to see more results. 

I have purchased more water, supposedly the "right" kind.  I also went out today and purchased a bunch of limes.  They should be enough to get me through to the end.  I also bought a quart of vegetable broth for the Ease-out.  I will run out of syrup by Day 8, but I am thinking of getting a small bottle of Agave Nectar instead of more syrup.  (One of the websites I visited said that this was a suitable substitution for diabetics.  Plus, it's way cheaper!)

I really do want to do this right and get the best results I can.  I am reading up each day to try to get things right.  I am praying for God's power to help me overcome.  I am reading my Bible in the morning to help me stay focused on God.  I just really want to see it make a difference.

Staying the Course

Day 4, 7:37 pm

So today has gone pretty well overall.  After catching up with a friend I haven't seen in months, I was feeling very encouraged.  I also discovered that I have been cold because of a lowered metabolism.  That's a little scary to think about, but I believe it will go back to normal when I start eating regularly again.  While this whole thing still seems a little daunting--and the days feel longer than ever--I do think I can successfully make it the 10 days.  In some ways, I feel like I could go on past that, but I think that is my vanity getting a hold of me.  After the ten days, I will Ease-out, which is basically another 3 days of restricted eating.

I also faced a stressful situation this afternoon, which I'd rather not go into at this point.  Suffice to say, I realized, in the midst of it, that I wasn't thinking about what type of food to indulge in, what food would make me feel better!  THAT was a great feeling.

Is it easy?  No.  Do I think I can make it?  Yes.  Yes, I do.

Questioning

Day 4, 8:09 am

I just weighed myself, and the scale, while not the most reliable, is saying that I am up 2 pounds.  Now, yesterday it said I was down 4 more, which is 6 pounds in 2 days.  That's quite incredible.  But now I have to look at it and face the disappoint of  gaining 2 pounds or at least not having lost any weight yesterday?

It's not all about the weight, but that certainly is the driving force.  Am I being stupid doing this, expecting unusual results for a rapid weight loss?  Others have achieved this, so is it unusual?  I need to feel confident or at least supported.

Through the worst?

Day 3, 8:42 pm

Well, I am finishing up Day 3, and I feel pretty good physically.  I did a workout DVD on Friday and walked both yesterday and today.  I have been hungry a few times but nothing I couldn't handle.  I need to drink my tea still tonight, about which I am a little nervous, though.  I woke up a couple times last with the urge to go #2.  That was unnerving.  This morning was worse.  Now that there's nothing in my stomach, everything goes through so fast!  I haven't seen any crazy build-up, so maybe that's still coming.  I could just do without the "urgency."

Mentally, things are a little tougher, too.  I think I did well today.  I sat down with the fam for breakfast and dinner and actually sat with McD's with Obie and Maddie this afternoon during our walk.  I do miss eating, but I don't NEED food at this point. 

The other "mental" issue is my loving spouse.  He said that he'd be supportive, but he makes a lot of wise cracks.  It's hard to be strong against that; it makes me want to give up.  I think he's just worried about me because it is not normal behavior to just stop eating.  But it's not like I am starving myself.  I am on a purposeful cleanse that will provide numerous benefits for my body.  I am not anorexic and probably couldn't be for at least 70 more pounds.  Bless his heart, he does love me just the way I am!

I do want to continue, though, especially if the last two days really were the worst.  They weren't that bad, and I can handle more of the same, for sure, especially if it means fitting into a new wardrobe in the next couple weeks so I have enough clothes to take with me on vacation.  It also would feel really good to go back home 20 # lighter.  It has been so shameful to me to return to old friends and family with the same ol' "baggage" I fought so hard to lose years before.  I lost it there, and so I feel like moving to CO represents failure because that's where I gained so much back.  I know that is not totally true.  I could've gained it back there.  I could've gotten pregnant there...but I didn't.  It may be all in my mind, but I still feel like everyone is waiting for us to admit that moving out here was a mistake.  And while it certainly hasn't been perfect, I don't think it was.

Who know if Bob would have gotten out of framing had it not been for the move?  Who knows if I ever would have gone back to school, especially in psychology?  For that matter, Obie may never have been born, a thought I cannot even fathom at this point.  I don't mean to sugar-coat anything, because we've faced some rough times, but I do believe God is still leading us and had His hand on our move.  It's like Bonnie said at church this morning at Joseph in the Bible--when you look back at how he got where he was going, it's so obvious that God orchestrated it all.  That's how I feel about my own life, too.

And that brings me right back to dealing with my weight again.  You know, as much as I was happy about losing weight the last time, I never did learn to have the right perspective on food.  I also was not seeking God or His help in any way back then.  He has used this repeating struggle to touch my heart and call me closer to Him.  I know I still have a ways to go, but I am way closer to Him than I was just a few years ago.  While I can't say I would ever have wanted to gain the weight, I recognize that once again God has used it for my good, to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him.  I know that, in His sovereignty, He know best; I would rather have faced this challenge to get closer to Him than have never gained the weight again and been a cold, distant Christian.

I don't want to get cocky...

Day 2, 8:50 pm

Well, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am amazed at how well today went.  I am trying to just be thankful.  But really, day 2 was supposed to be one of the worst.  It really wasn't so bad.  I was a little hungry a couple times, but it wasn't that bad!  I even sat down with the family for dinner, and I was okay.  I'm not saying that I want to do this forever, but I really started believing that I will be able to make it for the ten days!

Time for the Chocolate Smooth Move! Yay!

Feeling Depressed

Day 2, 10:40 am

Well, physically, I feel fine. I am a little hungry, but it is not unbearable.  From the looks of my undependable scale, I'd guess that I am down 2 pounds, which is right on track.  The Salt Water Flush was just as gross as yesterday.  I woke up to pee twice in the middle of the night and still had to go badly this morning.  My headache from last night is gone, so that is good.

I guess I am feeling a little disconnected from my family.  I didn't realize how much of our lives revolved around meals.  I can't decide if that's a good thing or not.  I mean, you always hear about the importance of eating meals together.  What if that's all you do?  It's gonna be a long 9 more days.

Hangin in There

Day 1, 6:52 pm

Well, I have made it most of the day.  I am a little hungry, but I do have one last cup of lemonade to drink still.  More than hunger, it's a little unnerving to have the family eating around me.  It's not horrible, but there's been a few times where scents have gotten to me, mainly the peanut/chocolate smell from Garrett's trail mix.  I also can make more lemonade if I feel the need. I am set up to consume the least amount recommended, and I cut the amount of maple syrup, which was recommended for weight loss.

I did have a mug of green tea an hour ago, which is also an option.  I think it will help as a filler, and it wasn't too bad without sweetener.  Considering how little I have consumed, I really don't feel too bad.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the thought of 9 more days, but I am trying to focus on the benefits.  At this point, it is more mental.  How embarrassing to admit that the thought of not eating for more than a week more has me a bit nervous.  Of course, that is a big reason why I am doing this.  I need to not be so driven by food!

Knowing that the 2nd and 3rd days are usually the worst is also a little daunting.  I need to stay focused.  I also need to remember that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13).

For now, I think I am going to get my last cup of lemonade.  Oh, I still have Chocolate Smooth Move for tonight!  I don't know whether I am excited or mortified.

Doing well

Day 1, 11:46 am

Still feeling quite well!  I am not hungry and was able to do my workout DVD.  This morning was...cleansing.  I am fine now, though.  I will consume my third cup of lemonade in a little bit, which will mark half of my consumption of calories for the day.

A New Beginning

Day 1, 8:00 am

I weighed myself in the buff.  The good news is that I am starting a couple pounds down from where I thought I was.   That's encouraging.  I drank my 32 oz of warm salt water at 7:51 am.  The stomach cramping has already started.  I think I am supposed to be excited.

I am not hungry, as I am full with salt water right now.  I am going to make my "lemonade" in a bit, but I think I am going to need to use the washroom first!  Wow, this is much more personal than I had considered!

Mentally, I feel good.  I am thinking clearly and am determined to go ten days with this.  That brings me to Sunday, the 29th.  I will need a few days to Ease-out, so that's about two weeks total.

Twas the Night Before...

Pre-day 1, 9:35 pm

I have tried the Chocolate Smooth Move.  It's, um, well...I added a little stevia, and it's drinkable.  I don't know if that's allowed, but I am looking into it!

Taking the Plunge!

Well, I did it!  After struggling to fall asleep last thinking about it, dreaming about it all night, and waking up contemplating it, I decided to commit to a 10-day Master Cleanse. *shiver*

After I recalculated my costs, I figured I could get the total cost to about $40, which is less than I would spend on groceries for myself.  That, I felt, was doable...at least, financially.  So, I made some phone calls and ran out today to collect my supplies. These include the following:

1 qt Grade B maple syrup (By far, my greatest cost but should suffice for my uses quite well.)
15 lemons (To my figuring, I will need 15 more, but I didn't want them to go bad.)
1 bottle cayenne pepper (More than enough, but I can use it for cooking afterwards.)
2 gallons of distilled water (A 4-day supply, but I can boil more water and refill my jugs.)
Chocolate Smooth Move tea (Dare I call this my splurge? I have tried the regular stuff, and it ain't great. So, I thought I would try the "yummy" chocolate flavor!)
Sea Salt (for the salt water flush...scary beyond belief!)

I am scared beyond belief, truly, but I am also excited.  I am wearing a "fat" shirt today, cuz it's not gonna fit much longer!  I am pretty sure time is going to slow down drastically, perhaps even stand still.  It makes me wish I had done this back when I was swamped with school--something to keep me busy!  I will be in training 9 hrs/day next week for four days, so that should help.  It also works out since I won't have a lot of time to devote to exercise those days.  (You can do light exercise while on the cleanse, but I don't see myself lifting weights or starting Zumba!)

My preparation has been a contrasting picture of me doing the "right things"--cutting out the caffeine and having cantaloupe for breakfast--and counting down the minutes--my "last supper" was BBQ pork, mixed veggies, and the biggest pumpkin bar you've ever seen.  I can literally feel the butterflies in my stomach.

I have only told one person outside of our household.  I only told her because she was texting me about going garage sale-ing tomorrow or Saturday.  While I thought that sounded fun, I can only imagine that I won't want to be out and about after my morning salt water flush...O dear God, what have I done?  Oh, she's also familiar with the Master Cleanse, went vegan for two years, and has a husband allergic to corn, dairy, and eggs. They are weird diet people who will understand!

I was going to tell another friend who has been a source of encouragement to me. In fact, we were discussing the merits of diets, training, and discipline.  She would understand, I believe, the benefits of such a strict regimen; I haven't talked to her all week, though.  Perhaps I can share when I have already experienced some success.

I am hoping, I am praying, that this will be a good experience, that I have great results on both the inside and outside of my body, and that I can truly reset my cravings to be for healthy food.  I do still understand that I need to crave God above all, and I am hoping that this time of fasting will serve as a spiritual building time as well.  It was not initiated for that purpose, and I openly admit that; it doesn't mean that it can't be used for spiritual renewal, too.  Many things in life have dual or multiple purposes--why can't this also meet many needs in my life?  In fact, this might be the best ten days of my life thus far!

I plan to journal this entire journey.  It seems too dynamic too miss out on every detail of this experience.  I intend to blog daily, perhaps even many times each day.  To ensure this is clear, I will label the start of each entry with the Day and time.  Thus, my journey begins...I go to prepare my laxative tea.

Extreme Measures

It's really depressing to admit that I haven't lost a pound in the last 5 months.  Now, I have had my ups and downs, but the downs haven't surpassed the ups enough to get me anywhere.  I have tried a few plans, and even a few "unplans," but I just can't seem to stay committed enough to make any head way.

My latest attempt was to start a 2-day cleanse or liquid diet.  Well, halfway through the day and after some Internet research, I decided it wasn't really worth it because I didn't have the right ingredients.  I determined to pick them up and get started in a couple days. 

That was Monday.  Two days later and no money for groceries, I have lost my zeal for this drastic, 10-day cleanse.  It promises high hopes and fast results.  (Beyonce lost 20# in 10 days for her movie Dreamgirls.)  Ten days on liquids is pretty daunting, though.  True, it would put me in range to wear the summer clothes I desperately wanted to fit into before our vacation.  But how desperate am I, really?  Am I determined enough to make it 10 days w/o food when I can barely make it 1 day on a reasonable eating plan? 

I know I have got to give my struggles to God because I just cannot do this without Him.  I believe that it is okay to discipline oneself, to train for a season, even to limit one's consumption of food for different purposes.  Would the Lord bless my efforts to cleanse my body like this?  My reasons are 3-fold: to lose weight, to detox my system, and to get rid of my sugar cravings.  Is this reasonable?  Is this realistic?

Part B

So, writing about this endeavor spurred me on to go to the store to purchase aforementioned dietary items...but when the price for 10 days worth was looking like $120-160, I decided to reconsider.  After coming home and rechecking my amounts, I think I can get the cost down to about $60-65.  Now, I won't be consuming regular meals, so that's a savings of around $50.  This makes it definitely more doable.  Still, is this a wise choice, or would I be better off just changing my diet to a healthy, controlled plan designed for weight loss?

Jesus!

If I could wake up every morning and have the name of Jesus on my lips before anything else, how would it change my life?

 Would it change my life?  I think so.  

I have come to realize that every time I am struggling, every time I am an emotional wreck, it's because I have taken my eyes off of God.  When I am anxious about finances, it's because I am depending on my husband to provide for us, not God.  When I can't figure out to do with my future plans, it's because I am trying to figure them out on my own.  When my kids are driving my crazy and I just don't know how to handle them, it's because I am depending on my knowledge, or lack thereof, to be a good parent.  When I am frustrated with the bad food choices I made and can't understand why I do the same stupid things over and over, it's because I have taken my eyes off of God.  When I am angry at myself for making the same mistake AGAIN, it'd because I've forgotten that I can't do it on my own.

I know our society rewards self-sufficiency.  The more independent you are, the more value you have.  Where did we get this crazy idea?  God gave us people--families, communities, churches--so that we could support one another.  Somehow we think that we know better than Him?  For that matter, other cultures are still very interdependent upon one another.  They may not achieve like we do, but at least they enjoy their lives together.  We destroy relationships and step all over others to climb to the top, but what is really up there?  It seems that perhaps there's just a lot of loneliness.  How fun is it to celebrate success by yourself?

Even if we don't have family or friends that we depend on, what about God?  Do we really think we can do better without Him?  He is all-knowing, all-powerful, everywhere.  Do we really think that in our finite little lives, somehow we can surpass what God can do?  It sounds stupid to even iterate such nonsense, yet so many of us live like this exactly every day.  I know I do.

In my stubborn. little mind, I forget that I cannot do things on my own.  So I strive and fail again and again.  I try again and just end up frustrated.  I give up and then feel guilty.  Why can't  I simply remember that I wasn't made to do it alone?  God not only saved me from certain death, but He filled me with His own Spirit to guide me through every step I make each day.  He gave me the same power that raised Him from the dead!  Why wouldn't I want to tap into that every morning and use that to live successfully?  If I could simply surrender control of my life to Jesus every day, I could life my life to the fullest, knowing that I was walking in Christ's power and direction, His best for me.

So, if I can teach myself to wake up every morning with Jesus on my lips, what difference will it make?  I do believe it will make all the difference in the world!

Now What?

I finished this term of school-woo hoo!  Do you hear my long exhalation?  I am looking forward to a little down time...or so I thought.

So, now what do I do?  Freedom sounds so good, until I try to figure out what I am supposed to do now.  I know I have stuff to do, but what?  I need to get out a list!  I know I have written something somewhere.  (I had some stuff written in my last blog.)

Some of my hesitation lies in procrastination.  There are tasks that I need to do to catch up, but they are jobs that I would rather not face!  (Help me, Lord, not to fear my responsibilities but to work diligently to complete what you've called me to do!)

The dilemma, then, that I face is finding the balance between productivity and hiatus.  I truly don't want to be lazy, although there is something appealing to the "lazy days of summer."  I need to first fit back in the activities I have set aside during school.  Then, I guess I need to prioritize.  What needs to be done? What is most important to me?  If I can find a way to reasonably accomplish both what I need to do and what I would like to do, this summer just may be the most enjoyable and productive one yet!