I was doing so well with this blogging thing until, well, vacation. In fact, vacation really messed up a lot of stuff, like my diet/eating plan, my weight, my residence, my home...my life is in upheaval. I have so much going on, yet I feel like I have nothing to say. I am trying to force this blog entry, but I am not feeling it.
I am accomplishing a lot here. (In the process of changing around a good portion of our home, I am cleaning out and organizing a lot here!) Maybe I am just too tired to think about recounting this in a colorful manner. Maybe another day...
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Back Again
After 2 1/2 weeks of travel (and virtually no time online), I am trying to catch up on everything here, including my new-fangled regular blog presence. I have much to say about our trip, and I have a list of new projects that I want to complete. I definitely need to prioritize, for I currently feel like nothing is getting done. Of course, that is not true. I exercised today. I made dinner for my family. I worked a 4-hour shift. I paid bills online. It's just those extra projects I haven't gotten to.
I probably need to schedule some time for them, like an appointment. I can't guarantee that I will keep them, but it's an effort in the right direction. Maybe I will even include some blogging time for the vacation recap!
I probably need to schedule some time for them, like an appointment. I can't guarantee that I will keep them, but it's an effort in the right direction. Maybe I will even include some blogging time for the vacation recap!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Road Trip Jitters
I have been working a lot of extra hours lately, which means I have been sitting a lot. I have also been experiencing quite a bit of discomfort in my bottom. NOT a good outlook.
We have 3000 miles of driving coming up in the next 2 weeks. That's, um, a bit overwhelming for the healthy bum.
I have to remember that it won't be all at once, that we're dividing it up into 6-7 hour chunks. I have traveled like this before; I can do it again.
It doesn't mean I am entering this lightly. I certainly am loading up on things like ibuprofen. There will be a good pillow with me on the trip. I also will be relying on my wonderful husband and his willingness to drive. God's grace. I should certainly rely on God's grace through this. I know I can get through this with His strength. I know it doesn't mean no pain, but I know it means I will have strength to make it through.
We have 3000 miles of driving coming up in the next 2 weeks. That's, um, a bit overwhelming for the healthy bum.
I have to remember that it won't be all at once, that we're dividing it up into 6-7 hour chunks. I have traveled like this before; I can do it again.
It doesn't mean I am entering this lightly. I certainly am loading up on things like ibuprofen. There will be a good pillow with me on the trip. I also will be relying on my wonderful husband and his willingness to drive. God's grace. I should certainly rely on God's grace through this. I know I can get through this with His strength. I know it doesn't mean no pain, but I know it means I will have strength to make it through.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Amy's Amazing Juggling Act
5 days left until we leave for vacation, and my schedule is getting busier and busier. The black and blue on the pages is swiftly washing away the white. Today was a FULL day, but I made it. Tomorrow is busy with Maddie's b-day party, the prep, the party, and the clean-up. Sunday includes church, cleaning out the van, getting Garrett's haircut... Monday should start with a workout if I can get up early enough, then I have a meeting with Jane, a meeting at work, and work from 12:30-8. Tuesday and Wednesday are similarly full, with packing and laundry and all the other stuff needed for a 2 1/2 week vacation. The pace is breakneck, and the tasks will pile up if not completed.
I don't want to be crazy, but I do need to get things done. I don't want to be overconfident, but I do think I can do this. Pace. It's all about pace.
I am trying to do things I can, when I can. I am trying to look ahead and keep up with things. The balls are in the air, and I keep throwing them up...for now.
I don't want to be crazy, but I do need to get things done. I don't want to be overconfident, but I do think I can do this. Pace. It's all about pace.
I am trying to do things I can, when I can. I am trying to look ahead and keep up with things. The balls are in the air, and I keep throwing them up...for now.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Old Habits...
Old habits die hard, and they sure sneak up on you if you are not careful!
I am not happy to admit that my old habits--eating too much, consuming way too many sweets and other junk, eating in the evening--have snuck up on me. This week has spiraled out of control, and I wouldn't doubt if I have lost the ground I had made. Bummer.
Why? Now, that is a good question. Why would I regress to my prior bad behavior when I desperately want to progress into a new lifestyle? I worked so hard. I gave up so much! Why throw it all away so easily?
Well, I do believe it all started last weekend when I decided to go thrift shopping for some clothes for vacation. Once I started buying clothing last fits now, I subconsciously resigned myself to the weight I am at now. In fact, I gave up on losing any more and relaxed my diet to the point of not caring what I ate.
I don't think that I really realized this until later in the week, but I didn't do anything about it. I don't know why.
I do see my folly now, and I am committed to starting anew, not because I plan to lose 10 # in the next 2 weeks, as great as that would be, but in order to live a life of self-control and submission to God. I want to exhibit restraint and moderation, not excess and over-indulgence. I want to eat well now, so that I am in the habit on vacation. I don't want to be out of control and making poor choices then. More than anything, I want to be following God each day, walking in the Spirit and living a life of freedom and grace.
I am not happy to admit that my old habits--eating too much, consuming way too many sweets and other junk, eating in the evening--have snuck up on me. This week has spiraled out of control, and I wouldn't doubt if I have lost the ground I had made. Bummer.
Why? Now, that is a good question. Why would I regress to my prior bad behavior when I desperately want to progress into a new lifestyle? I worked so hard. I gave up so much! Why throw it all away so easily?
Well, I do believe it all started last weekend when I decided to go thrift shopping for some clothes for vacation. Once I started buying clothing last fits now, I subconsciously resigned myself to the weight I am at now. In fact, I gave up on losing any more and relaxed my diet to the point of not caring what I ate.
I don't think that I really realized this until later in the week, but I didn't do anything about it. I don't know why.
I do see my folly now, and I am committed to starting anew, not because I plan to lose 10 # in the next 2 weeks, as great as that would be, but in order to live a life of self-control and submission to God. I want to exhibit restraint and moderation, not excess and over-indulgence. I want to eat well now, so that I am in the habit on vacation. I don't want to be out of control and making poor choices then. More than anything, I want to be following God each day, walking in the Spirit and living a life of freedom and grace.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
How to Deal with the Munchies
So it's 10:30 at night, and we're watching TV, chilling out. My husband is eating a big bowl of taco salad left over from dinner. (BTW--it was delicious!) There's a family size bag of tortilla chips left over from dinner sitting on the table. And my stomach is growling! How do I overcome the temptation?
Well, here's the thing about doing something as crazy as the Master Cleanse. I have set quite a precedent for myself. You see, every time I am hungry now, I can simply remind myself, Girl, you felt empty like this for 6 days straight. You can handle a little hunger for the evening.
I am telling you, I am laughing at myself while Bob finishes the bowl of taco salad. I simply went and brushed my teeth instead. Admitting out loud my craving, along with my realization that I have faced a much harder struggle than this, I have taken the air out of the proverbial balloon. I brushed my teeth with Cinnamint toothpaste and am sipping my water.
Don't get me wrong, I am not taking all of the credit. I have been praying, reading my Bible, and seeking encouragement from friends. Support makes a big difference. I am NOT alone! But God does equip us, and I appreciate the experience I have had because of the perspective it is currently giving me!
Well, here's the thing about doing something as crazy as the Master Cleanse. I have set quite a precedent for myself. You see, every time I am hungry now, I can simply remind myself, Girl, you felt empty like this for 6 days straight. You can handle a little hunger for the evening.
I am telling you, I am laughing at myself while Bob finishes the bowl of taco salad. I simply went and brushed my teeth instead. Admitting out loud my craving, along with my realization that I have faced a much harder struggle than this, I have taken the air out of the proverbial balloon. I brushed my teeth with Cinnamint toothpaste and am sipping my water.
Don't get me wrong, I am not taking all of the credit. I have been praying, reading my Bible, and seeking encouragement from friends. Support makes a big difference. I am NOT alone! But God does equip us, and I appreciate the experience I have had because of the perspective it is currently giving me!
A New Way
2 more days post-cleanse, and I feel that I am doing well. It is not easy, as there are so many delicious but unhealthy food choices out there. I certainly have been tempted, but I do feel that I have made good decisions. I am trying to stay away from starchy carbs, keeping them to a minimum. I am focusing on vegetables and fruit and watching portion sizes as well. I was definitely hungry when I went to bed last night AND hungry when I woke up this morning!
I tried on some smaller clothes. While I could get them up, and button and zip them, they were still too tight to wear out. If I lose another 5 or so lbs before we leave, they might fit. I just need to stay focused on making right decisions.
I did go shopping at a couple thrift stores and found a few shirts and bottoms that fit now. I don't want to give up, but I also need to be prepared for when we go on vacation. I went through my clothes earlier today and just didn't have a lot of options to bring with me. I am still hoping to at least fit into my white skirt. I bought a beautiful green and white shirt that would look great with it!
I tried on some smaller clothes. While I could get them up, and button and zip them, they were still too tight to wear out. If I lose another 5 or so lbs before we leave, they might fit. I just need to stay focused on making right decisions.
I did go shopping at a couple thrift stores and found a few shirts and bottoms that fit now. I don't want to give up, but I also need to be prepared for when we go on vacation. I went through my clothes earlier today and just didn't have a lot of options to bring with me. I am still hoping to at least fit into my white skirt. I bought a beautiful green and white shirt that would look great with it!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Easing Out
Day 1, Ease-out
9:19 pm
My first day after my cleanse has been interesting. I started with a big glass of water and then orange juice. No salt water and no lemons or limes! I progressed to watermelon and cantaloupe during the day and had a smoothie for dinner. I was hungry all day, which was really weird! I drank a ton of water. I felt pretty good.
This morning, I read another encouraging section in Made to Crave. This one talks about Karen Ehman's story about being discouraged about a measly weight loss one week after doing everything right. She then felt God showing her that, when you make the right choices, you should focus on your obedience to God, not on the numbers on the scale.
So, I am rejoicing in my 4 pound weight loss. I am focusing on honoring God with all I do, including what I eat. I am excited about choosing good foods and about watching my portions. I think God has good things in store for me, and I am excited to be a part of what God is doing in my life!
9:19 pm
My first day after my cleanse has been interesting. I started with a big glass of water and then orange juice. No salt water and no lemons or limes! I progressed to watermelon and cantaloupe during the day and had a smoothie for dinner. I was hungry all day, which was really weird! I drank a ton of water. I felt pretty good.
This morning, I read another encouraging section in Made to Crave. This one talks about Karen Ehman's story about being discouraged about a measly weight loss one week after doing everything right. She then felt God showing her that, when you make the right choices, you should focus on your obedience to God, not on the numbers on the scale.
So, I am rejoicing in my 4 pound weight loss. I am focusing on honoring God with all I do, including what I eat. I am excited about choosing good foods and about watching my portions. I think God has good things in store for me, and I am excited to be a part of what God is doing in my life!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A New Way
Day 6, 8:50 pm
I woke up at 6 am this morning. I got up, went to the bathroom, and weighted myself. To my disappointment, I weighed the same as the last three days, or really four days. When I am consuming less than 1000 calories/day, is that even possible? Who knows? I have certainly followed the program.
Well, anyway...I decided to focus on God and not sweat the number, despite my dismay. I read my chapter in the Bible and a chapter in Made To Crave. Of course, the main point of the chapter was this: don't get caught up on the numbers. Hmmm...
Later, I was reading through the daily devos that get sent to my e-mail. The first one talked about the story in the gospels where the disciples, who had been fishing all night and had caught nothing, were told by Jesus to throw the net to the other side of the boat--to try something new. Hmmm...
The next one I read talked about valuing the small things in life. It wasn't just accepting little things in life; it was embracing it and being ecstatic about it. Hmmm...
I have been praying and thinking on and off throughout the day, and I have decided to finish my cleanse tonight. I will have to do the Ease-out so I don't get sick. I have just decided to start on orange juice tomorrow and to move to smoothies and broth. I don't feel like a quitter; I just don't see the value of continuing like this. I believe that those little messages from this morning were God's quiet voice telling me, Amy, you need to be happy with the small success I have given you, but now it's time to try something new. It's time to move on to a normal eating pattern with healthy choices.
So that is where I am headed, a healthy way of life. I want to make good choices on food and control my portion sizes, hopefully with the help of a smaller stomach and a clean slate on the cravings. I want to set a good example for my family and provide healthy, tasteful options as the norm. This is my true reset. This is my new beginning.
P.S. After voicing some preconceived ideas to a caring friend, I decided to follow her advice and get over the expectation to wear a smaller size clothing on vacation, just for the approval of others. Thanks, Jane!
I woke up at 6 am this morning. I got up, went to the bathroom, and weighted myself. To my disappointment, I weighed the same as the last three days, or really four days. When I am consuming less than 1000 calories/day, is that even possible? Who knows? I have certainly followed the program.
Well, anyway...I decided to focus on God and not sweat the number, despite my dismay. I read my chapter in the Bible and a chapter in Made To Crave. Of course, the main point of the chapter was this: don't get caught up on the numbers. Hmmm...
Later, I was reading through the daily devos that get sent to my e-mail. The first one talked about the story in the gospels where the disciples, who had been fishing all night and had caught nothing, were told by Jesus to throw the net to the other side of the boat--to try something new. Hmmm...
The next one I read talked about valuing the small things in life. It wasn't just accepting little things in life; it was embracing it and being ecstatic about it. Hmmm...
I have been praying and thinking on and off throughout the day, and I have decided to finish my cleanse tonight. I will have to do the Ease-out so I don't get sick. I have just decided to start on orange juice tomorrow and to move to smoothies and broth. I don't feel like a quitter; I just don't see the value of continuing like this. I believe that those little messages from this morning were God's quiet voice telling me, Amy, you need to be happy with the small success I have given you, but now it's time to try something new. It's time to move on to a normal eating pattern with healthy choices.
So that is where I am headed, a healthy way of life. I want to make good choices on food and control my portion sizes, hopefully with the help of a smaller stomach and a clean slate on the cravings. I want to set a good example for my family and provide healthy, tasteful options as the norm. This is my true reset. This is my new beginning.
P.S. After voicing some preconceived ideas to a caring friend, I decided to follow her advice and get over the expectation to wear a smaller size clothing on vacation, just for the approval of others. Thanks, Jane!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Halfway There
Day 5, 8:10 pm
Finishing up today represents the halfway point for me. Has it been easy? No. Was it harder than the other days? No. Mentally, my daughter's cooked ham smelled amazing at lunchtime, and the pasta dinner I made my family looked so delicious. But it is just food, and I can certainly have some another time.
I think the most depression came from my weigh-in, and the lack of progress. I weighed the same as yesterday, which was 2 # up from the day before. *sigh* This is not easy, and for what I am sacrificing, I would expect to see more results.
I have purchased more water, supposedly the "right" kind. I also went out today and purchased a bunch of limes. They should be enough to get me through to the end. I also bought a quart of vegetable broth for the Ease-out. I will run out of syrup by Day 8, but I am thinking of getting a small bottle of Agave Nectar instead of more syrup. (One of the websites I visited said that this was a suitable substitution for diabetics. Plus, it's way cheaper!)
I really do want to do this right and get the best results I can. I am reading up each day to try to get things right. I am praying for God's power to help me overcome. I am reading my Bible in the morning to help me stay focused on God. I just really want to see it make a difference.
Finishing up today represents the halfway point for me. Has it been easy? No. Was it harder than the other days? No. Mentally, my daughter's cooked ham smelled amazing at lunchtime, and the pasta dinner I made my family looked so delicious. But it is just food, and I can certainly have some another time.
I think the most depression came from my weigh-in, and the lack of progress. I weighed the same as yesterday, which was 2 # up from the day before. *sigh* This is not easy, and for what I am sacrificing, I would expect to see more results.
I have purchased more water, supposedly the "right" kind. I also went out today and purchased a bunch of limes. They should be enough to get me through to the end. I also bought a quart of vegetable broth for the Ease-out. I will run out of syrup by Day 8, but I am thinking of getting a small bottle of Agave Nectar instead of more syrup. (One of the websites I visited said that this was a suitable substitution for diabetics. Plus, it's way cheaper!)
I really do want to do this right and get the best results I can. I am reading up each day to try to get things right. I am praying for God's power to help me overcome. I am reading my Bible in the morning to help me stay focused on God. I just really want to see it make a difference.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Staying the Course
Day 4, 7:37 pm
So today has gone pretty well overall. After catching up with a friend I haven't seen in months, I was feeling very encouraged. I also discovered that I have been cold because of a lowered metabolism. That's a little scary to think about, but I believe it will go back to normal when I start eating regularly again. While this whole thing still seems a little daunting--and the days feel longer than ever--I do think I can successfully make it the 10 days. In some ways, I feel like I could go on past that, but I think that is my vanity getting a hold of me. After the ten days, I will Ease-out, which is basically another 3 days of restricted eating.
I also faced a stressful situation this afternoon, which I'd rather not go into at this point. Suffice to say, I realized, in the midst of it, that I wasn't thinking about what type of food to indulge in, what food would make me feel better! THAT was a great feeling.
Is it easy? No. Do I think I can make it? Yes. Yes, I do.
So today has gone pretty well overall. After catching up with a friend I haven't seen in months, I was feeling very encouraged. I also discovered that I have been cold because of a lowered metabolism. That's a little scary to think about, but I believe it will go back to normal when I start eating regularly again. While this whole thing still seems a little daunting--and the days feel longer than ever--I do think I can successfully make it the 10 days. In some ways, I feel like I could go on past that, but I think that is my vanity getting a hold of me. After the ten days, I will Ease-out, which is basically another 3 days of restricted eating.
I also faced a stressful situation this afternoon, which I'd rather not go into at this point. Suffice to say, I realized, in the midst of it, that I wasn't thinking about what type of food to indulge in, what food would make me feel better! THAT was a great feeling.
Is it easy? No. Do I think I can make it? Yes. Yes, I do.
Questioning
Day 4, 8:09 am
I just weighed myself, and the scale, while not the most reliable, is saying that I am up 2 pounds. Now, yesterday it said I was down 4 more, which is 6 pounds in 2 days. That's quite incredible. But now I have to look at it and face the disappoint of gaining 2 pounds or at least not having lost any weight yesterday?
It's not all about the weight, but that certainly is the driving force. Am I being stupid doing this, expecting unusual results for a rapid weight loss? Others have achieved this, so is it unusual? I need to feel confident or at least supported.
I just weighed myself, and the scale, while not the most reliable, is saying that I am up 2 pounds. Now, yesterday it said I was down 4 more, which is 6 pounds in 2 days. That's quite incredible. But now I have to look at it and face the disappoint of gaining 2 pounds or at least not having lost any weight yesterday?
It's not all about the weight, but that certainly is the driving force. Am I being stupid doing this, expecting unusual results for a rapid weight loss? Others have achieved this, so is it unusual? I need to feel confident or at least supported.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Through the worst?
Day 3, 8:42 pm
Well, I am finishing up Day 3, and I feel pretty good physically. I did a workout DVD on Friday and walked both yesterday and today. I have been hungry a few times but nothing I couldn't handle. I need to drink my tea still tonight, about which I am a little nervous, though. I woke up a couple times last with the urge to go #2. That was unnerving. This morning was worse. Now that there's nothing in my stomach, everything goes through so fast! I haven't seen any crazy build-up, so maybe that's still coming. I could just do without the "urgency."
Mentally, things are a little tougher, too. I think I did well today. I sat down with the fam for breakfast and dinner and actually sat with McD's with Obie and Maddie this afternoon during our walk. I do miss eating, but I don't NEED food at this point.
The other "mental" issue is my loving spouse. He said that he'd be supportive, but he makes a lot of wise cracks. It's hard to be strong against that; it makes me want to give up. I think he's just worried about me because it is not normal behavior to just stop eating. But it's not like I am starving myself. I am on a purposeful cleanse that will provide numerous benefits for my body. I am not anorexic and probably couldn't be for at least 70 more pounds. Bless his heart, he does love me just the way I am!
I do want to continue, though, especially if the last two days really were the worst. They weren't that bad, and I can handle more of the same, for sure, especially if it means fitting into a new wardrobe in the next couple weeks so I have enough clothes to take with me on vacation. It also would feel really good to go back home 20 # lighter. It has been so shameful to me to return to old friends and family with the same ol' "baggage" I fought so hard to lose years before. I lost it there, and so I feel like moving to CO represents failure because that's where I gained so much back. I know that is not totally true. I could've gained it back there. I could've gotten pregnant there...but I didn't. It may be all in my mind, but I still feel like everyone is waiting for us to admit that moving out here was a mistake. And while it certainly hasn't been perfect, I don't think it was.
Who know if Bob would have gotten out of framing had it not been for the move? Who knows if I ever would have gone back to school, especially in psychology? For that matter, Obie may never have been born, a thought I cannot even fathom at this point. I don't mean to sugar-coat anything, because we've faced some rough times, but I do believe God is still leading us and had His hand on our move. It's like Bonnie said at church this morning at Joseph in the Bible--when you look back at how he got where he was going, it's so obvious that God orchestrated it all. That's how I feel about my own life, too.
And that brings me right back to dealing with my weight again. You know, as much as I was happy about losing weight the last time, I never did learn to have the right perspective on food. I also was not seeking God or His help in any way back then. He has used this repeating struggle to touch my heart and call me closer to Him. I know I still have a ways to go, but I am way closer to Him than I was just a few years ago. While I can't say I would ever have wanted to gain the weight, I recognize that once again God has used it for my good, to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him. I know that, in His sovereignty, He know best; I would rather have faced this challenge to get closer to Him than have never gained the weight again and been a cold, distant Christian.
Well, I am finishing up Day 3, and I feel pretty good physically. I did a workout DVD on Friday and walked both yesterday and today. I have been hungry a few times but nothing I couldn't handle. I need to drink my tea still tonight, about which I am a little nervous, though. I woke up a couple times last with the urge to go #2. That was unnerving. This morning was worse. Now that there's nothing in my stomach, everything goes through so fast! I haven't seen any crazy build-up, so maybe that's still coming. I could just do without the "urgency."
Mentally, things are a little tougher, too. I think I did well today. I sat down with the fam for breakfast and dinner and actually sat with McD's with Obie and Maddie this afternoon during our walk. I do miss eating, but I don't NEED food at this point.
The other "mental" issue is my loving spouse. He said that he'd be supportive, but he makes a lot of wise cracks. It's hard to be strong against that; it makes me want to give up. I think he's just worried about me because it is not normal behavior to just stop eating. But it's not like I am starving myself. I am on a purposeful cleanse that will provide numerous benefits for my body. I am not anorexic and probably couldn't be for at least 70 more pounds. Bless his heart, he does love me just the way I am!
I do want to continue, though, especially if the last two days really were the worst. They weren't that bad, and I can handle more of the same, for sure, especially if it means fitting into a new wardrobe in the next couple weeks so I have enough clothes to take with me on vacation. It also would feel really good to go back home 20 # lighter. It has been so shameful to me to return to old friends and family with the same ol' "baggage" I fought so hard to lose years before. I lost it there, and so I feel like moving to CO represents failure because that's where I gained so much back. I know that is not totally true. I could've gained it back there. I could've gotten pregnant there...but I didn't. It may be all in my mind, but I still feel like everyone is waiting for us to admit that moving out here was a mistake. And while it certainly hasn't been perfect, I don't think it was.
Who know if Bob would have gotten out of framing had it not been for the move? Who knows if I ever would have gone back to school, especially in psychology? For that matter, Obie may never have been born, a thought I cannot even fathom at this point. I don't mean to sugar-coat anything, because we've faced some rough times, but I do believe God is still leading us and had His hand on our move. It's like Bonnie said at church this morning at Joseph in the Bible--when you look back at how he got where he was going, it's so obvious that God orchestrated it all. That's how I feel about my own life, too.
And that brings me right back to dealing with my weight again. You know, as much as I was happy about losing weight the last time, I never did learn to have the right perspective on food. I also was not seeking God or His help in any way back then. He has used this repeating struggle to touch my heart and call me closer to Him. I know I still have a ways to go, but I am way closer to Him than I was just a few years ago. While I can't say I would ever have wanted to gain the weight, I recognize that once again God has used it for my good, to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him. I know that, in His sovereignty, He know best; I would rather have faced this challenge to get closer to Him than have never gained the weight again and been a cold, distant Christian.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I don't want to get cocky...
Day 2, 8:50 pm
Well, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am amazed at how well today went. I am trying to just be thankful. But really, day 2 was supposed to be one of the worst. It really wasn't so bad. I was a little hungry a couple times, but it wasn't that bad! I even sat down with the family for dinner, and I was okay. I'm not saying that I want to do this forever, but I really started believing that I will be able to make it for the ten days!
Time for the Chocolate Smooth Move! Yay!
Well, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am amazed at how well today went. I am trying to just be thankful. But really, day 2 was supposed to be one of the worst. It really wasn't so bad. I was a little hungry a couple times, but it wasn't that bad! I even sat down with the family for dinner, and I was okay. I'm not saying that I want to do this forever, but I really started believing that I will be able to make it for the ten days!
Time for the Chocolate Smooth Move! Yay!
Feeling Depressed
Day 2, 10:40 am
Well, physically, I feel fine. I am a little hungry, but it is not unbearable. From the looks of my undependable scale, I'd guess that I am down 2 pounds, which is right on track. The Salt Water Flush was just as gross as yesterday. I woke up to pee twice in the middle of the night and still had to go badly this morning. My headache from last night is gone, so that is good.
I guess I am feeling a little disconnected from my family. I didn't realize how much of our lives revolved around meals. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. I mean, you always hear about the importance of eating meals together. What if that's all you do? It's gonna be a long 9 more days.
Well, physically, I feel fine. I am a little hungry, but it is not unbearable. From the looks of my undependable scale, I'd guess that I am down 2 pounds, which is right on track. The Salt Water Flush was just as gross as yesterday. I woke up to pee twice in the middle of the night and still had to go badly this morning. My headache from last night is gone, so that is good.
I guess I am feeling a little disconnected from my family. I didn't realize how much of our lives revolved around meals. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. I mean, you always hear about the importance of eating meals together. What if that's all you do? It's gonna be a long 9 more days.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Hangin in There
Day 1, 6:52 pm
Well, I have made it most of the day. I am a little hungry, but I do have one last cup of lemonade to drink still. More than hunger, it's a little unnerving to have the family eating around me. It's not horrible, but there's been a few times where scents have gotten to me, mainly the peanut/chocolate smell from Garrett's trail mix. I also can make more lemonade if I feel the need. I am set up to consume the least amount recommended, and I cut the amount of maple syrup, which was recommended for weight loss.
I did have a mug of green tea an hour ago, which is also an option. I think it will help as a filler, and it wasn't too bad without sweetener. Considering how little I have consumed, I really don't feel too bad.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the thought of 9 more days, but I am trying to focus on the benefits. At this point, it is more mental. How embarrassing to admit that the thought of not eating for more than a week more has me a bit nervous. Of course, that is a big reason why I am doing this. I need to not be so driven by food!
Knowing that the 2nd and 3rd days are usually the worst is also a little daunting. I need to stay focused. I also need to remember that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13).
For now, I think I am going to get my last cup of lemonade. Oh, I still have Chocolate Smooth Move for tonight! I don't know whether I am excited or mortified.
Well, I have made it most of the day. I am a little hungry, but I do have one last cup of lemonade to drink still. More than hunger, it's a little unnerving to have the family eating around me. It's not horrible, but there's been a few times where scents have gotten to me, mainly the peanut/chocolate smell from Garrett's trail mix. I also can make more lemonade if I feel the need. I am set up to consume the least amount recommended, and I cut the amount of maple syrup, which was recommended for weight loss.
I did have a mug of green tea an hour ago, which is also an option. I think it will help as a filler, and it wasn't too bad without sweetener. Considering how little I have consumed, I really don't feel too bad.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the thought of 9 more days, but I am trying to focus on the benefits. At this point, it is more mental. How embarrassing to admit that the thought of not eating for more than a week more has me a bit nervous. Of course, that is a big reason why I am doing this. I need to not be so driven by food!
Knowing that the 2nd and 3rd days are usually the worst is also a little daunting. I need to stay focused. I also need to remember that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13).
For now, I think I am going to get my last cup of lemonade. Oh, I still have Chocolate Smooth Move for tonight! I don't know whether I am excited or mortified.
Doing well
Day 1, 11:46 am
Still feeling quite well! I am not hungry and was able to do my workout DVD. This morning was...cleansing. I am fine now, though. I will consume my third cup of lemonade in a little bit, which will mark half of my consumption of calories for the day.
Still feeling quite well! I am not hungry and was able to do my workout DVD. This morning was...cleansing. I am fine now, though. I will consume my third cup of lemonade in a little bit, which will mark half of my consumption of calories for the day.
A New Beginning
Day 1, 8:00 am
I weighed myself in the buff. The good news is that I am starting a couple pounds down from where I thought I was. That's encouraging. I drank my 32 oz of warm salt water at 7:51 am. The stomach cramping has already started. I think I am supposed to be excited.
I am not hungry, as I am full with salt water right now. I am going to make my "lemonade" in a bit, but I think I am going to need to use the washroom first! Wow, this is much more personal than I had considered!
Mentally, I feel good. I am thinking clearly and am determined to go ten days with this. That brings me to Sunday, the 29th. I will need a few days to Ease-out, so that's about two weeks total.
I weighed myself in the buff. The good news is that I am starting a couple pounds down from where I thought I was. That's encouraging. I drank my 32 oz of warm salt water at 7:51 am. The stomach cramping has already started. I think I am supposed to be excited.
I am not hungry, as I am full with salt water right now. I am going to make my "lemonade" in a bit, but I think I am going to need to use the washroom first! Wow, this is much more personal than I had considered!
Mentally, I feel good. I am thinking clearly and am determined to go ten days with this. That brings me to Sunday, the 29th. I will need a few days to Ease-out, so that's about two weeks total.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Twas the Night Before...
Pre-day 1, 9:35 pm
I have tried the Chocolate Smooth Move. It's, um, well...I added a little stevia, and it's drinkable. I don't know if that's allowed, but I am looking into it!
I have tried the Chocolate Smooth Move. It's, um, well...I added a little stevia, and it's drinkable. I don't know if that's allowed, but I am looking into it!
Taking the Plunge!
Well, I did it! After struggling to fall asleep last thinking about it, dreaming about it all night, and waking up contemplating it, I decided to commit to a 10-day Master Cleanse. *shiver*
After I recalculated my costs, I figured I could get the total cost to about $40, which is less than I would spend on groceries for myself. That, I felt, was doable...at least, financially. So, I made some phone calls and ran out today to collect my supplies. These include the following:
1 qt Grade B maple syrup (By far, my greatest cost but should suffice for my uses quite well.)
15 lemons (To my figuring, I will need 15 more, but I didn't want them to go bad.)
1 bottle cayenne pepper (More than enough, but I can use it for cooking afterwards.)
2 gallons of distilled water (A 4-day supply, but I can boil more water and refill my jugs.)
Chocolate Smooth Move tea (Dare I call this my splurge? I have tried the regular stuff, and it ain't great. So, I thought I would try the "yummy" chocolate flavor!)
Sea Salt (for the salt water flush...scary beyond belief!)
I am scared beyond belief, truly, but I am also excited. I am wearing a "fat" shirt today, cuz it's not gonna fit much longer! I am pretty sure time is going to slow down drastically, perhaps even stand still. It makes me wish I had done this back when I was swamped with school--something to keep me busy! I will be in training 9 hrs/day next week for four days, so that should help. It also works out since I won't have a lot of time to devote to exercise those days. (You can do light exercise while on the cleanse, but I don't see myself lifting weights or starting Zumba!)
My preparation has been a contrasting picture of me doing the "right things"--cutting out the caffeine and having cantaloupe for breakfast--and counting down the minutes--my "last supper" was BBQ pork, mixed veggies, and the biggest pumpkin bar you've ever seen. I can literally feel the butterflies in my stomach.
I have only told one person outside of our household. I only told her because she was texting me about going garage sale-ing tomorrow or Saturday. While I thought that sounded fun, I can only imagine that I won't want to be out and about after my morning salt water flush...O dear God, what have I done? Oh, she's also familiar with the Master Cleanse, went vegan for two years, and has a husband allergic to corn, dairy, and eggs. They are weird diet people who will understand!
After I recalculated my costs, I figured I could get the total cost to about $40, which is less than I would spend on groceries for myself. That, I felt, was doable...at least, financially. So, I made some phone calls and ran out today to collect my supplies. These include the following:
1 qt Grade B maple syrup (By far, my greatest cost but should suffice for my uses quite well.)
15 lemons (To my figuring, I will need 15 more, but I didn't want them to go bad.)
1 bottle cayenne pepper (More than enough, but I can use it for cooking afterwards.)
2 gallons of distilled water (A 4-day supply, but I can boil more water and refill my jugs.)
Chocolate Smooth Move tea (Dare I call this my splurge? I have tried the regular stuff, and it ain't great. So, I thought I would try the "yummy" chocolate flavor!)
Sea Salt (for the salt water flush...scary beyond belief!)
I am scared beyond belief, truly, but I am also excited. I am wearing a "fat" shirt today, cuz it's not gonna fit much longer! I am pretty sure time is going to slow down drastically, perhaps even stand still. It makes me wish I had done this back when I was swamped with school--something to keep me busy! I will be in training 9 hrs/day next week for four days, so that should help. It also works out since I won't have a lot of time to devote to exercise those days. (You can do light exercise while on the cleanse, but I don't see myself lifting weights or starting Zumba!)
My preparation has been a contrasting picture of me doing the "right things"--cutting out the caffeine and having cantaloupe for breakfast--and counting down the minutes--my "last supper" was BBQ pork, mixed veggies, and the biggest pumpkin bar you've ever seen. I can literally feel the butterflies in my stomach.
I have only told one person outside of our household. I only told her because she was texting me about going garage sale-ing tomorrow or Saturday. While I thought that sounded fun, I can only imagine that I won't want to be out and about after my morning salt water flush...O dear God, what have I done? Oh, she's also familiar with the Master Cleanse, went vegan for two years, and has a husband allergic to corn, dairy, and eggs. They are weird diet people who will understand!
I was going to tell another friend who has been a source of encouragement to me. In fact, we were discussing the merits of diets, training, and discipline. She would understand, I believe, the benefits of such a strict regimen; I haven't talked to her all week, though. Perhaps I can share when I have already experienced some success.
I am hoping, I am praying, that this will be a good experience, that I have great results on both the inside and outside of my body, and that I can truly reset my cravings to be for healthy food. I do still understand that I need to crave God above all, and I am hoping that this time of fasting will serve as a spiritual building time as well. It was not initiated for that purpose, and I openly admit that; it doesn't mean that it can't be used for spiritual renewal, too. Many things in life have dual or multiple purposes--why can't this also meet many needs in my life? In fact, this might be the best ten days of my life thus far!
I plan to journal this entire journey. It seems too dynamic too miss out on every detail of this experience. I intend to blog daily, perhaps even many times each day. To ensure this is clear, I will label the start of each entry with the Day and time. Thus, my journey begins...I go to prepare my laxative tea.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Extreme Measures
It's really depressing to admit that I haven't lost a pound in the last 5 months. Now, I have had my ups and downs, but the downs haven't surpassed the ups enough to get me anywhere. I have tried a few plans, and even a few "unplans," but I just can't seem to stay committed enough to make any head way.
My latest attempt was to start a 2-day cleanse or liquid diet. Well, halfway through the day and after some Internet research, I decided it wasn't really worth it because I didn't have the right ingredients. I determined to pick them up and get started in a couple days.
That was Monday. Two days later and no money for groceries, I have lost my zeal for this drastic, 10-day cleanse. It promises high hopes and fast results. (Beyonce lost 20# in 10 days for her movie Dreamgirls.) Ten days on liquids is pretty daunting, though. True, it would put me in range to wear the summer clothes I desperately wanted to fit into before our vacation. But how desperate am I, really? Am I determined enough to make it 10 days w/o food when I can barely make it 1 day on a reasonable eating plan?
I know I have got to give my struggles to God because I just cannot do this without Him. I believe that it is okay to discipline oneself, to train for a season, even to limit one's consumption of food for different purposes. Would the Lord bless my efforts to cleanse my body like this? My reasons are 3-fold: to lose weight, to detox my system, and to get rid of my sugar cravings. Is this reasonable? Is this realistic?
Part B
So, writing about this endeavor spurred me on to go to the store to purchase aforementioned dietary items...but when the price for 10 days worth was looking like $120-160, I decided to reconsider. After coming home and rechecking my amounts, I think I can get the cost down to about $60-65. Now, I won't be consuming regular meals, so that's a savings of around $50. This makes it definitely more doable. Still, is this a wise choice, or would I be better off just changing my diet to a healthy, controlled plan designed for weight loss?
My latest attempt was to start a 2-day cleanse or liquid diet. Well, halfway through the day and after some Internet research, I decided it wasn't really worth it because I didn't have the right ingredients. I determined to pick them up and get started in a couple days.
That was Monday. Two days later and no money for groceries, I have lost my zeal for this drastic, 10-day cleanse. It promises high hopes and fast results. (Beyonce lost 20# in 10 days for her movie Dreamgirls.) Ten days on liquids is pretty daunting, though. True, it would put me in range to wear the summer clothes I desperately wanted to fit into before our vacation. But how desperate am I, really? Am I determined enough to make it 10 days w/o food when I can barely make it 1 day on a reasonable eating plan?
I know I have got to give my struggles to God because I just cannot do this without Him. I believe that it is okay to discipline oneself, to train for a season, even to limit one's consumption of food for different purposes. Would the Lord bless my efforts to cleanse my body like this? My reasons are 3-fold: to lose weight, to detox my system, and to get rid of my sugar cravings. Is this reasonable? Is this realistic?
Part B
So, writing about this endeavor spurred me on to go to the store to purchase aforementioned dietary items...but when the price for 10 days worth was looking like $120-160, I decided to reconsider. After coming home and rechecking my amounts, I think I can get the cost down to about $60-65. Now, I won't be consuming regular meals, so that's a savings of around $50. This makes it definitely more doable. Still, is this a wise choice, or would I be better off just changing my diet to a healthy, controlled plan designed for weight loss?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Jesus!
If I could wake up every morning and have the name of Jesus on my lips before anything else, how would it change my life?
Would it change my life? I think so.
I have come to realize that every time I am struggling, every time I am an emotional wreck, it's because I have taken my eyes off of God. When I am anxious about finances, it's because I am depending on my husband to provide for us, not God. When I can't figure out to do with my future plans, it's because I am trying to figure them out on my own. When my kids are driving my crazy and I just don't know how to handle them, it's because I am depending on my knowledge, or lack thereof, to be a good parent. When I am frustrated with the bad food choices I made and can't understand why I do the same stupid things over and over, it's because I have taken my eyes off of God. When I am angry at myself for making the same mistake AGAIN, it'd because I've forgotten that I can't do it on my own.
I know our society rewards self-sufficiency. The more independent you are, the more value you have. Where did we get this crazy idea? God gave us people--families, communities, churches--so that we could support one another. Somehow we think that we know better than Him? For that matter, other cultures are still very interdependent upon one another. They may not achieve like we do, but at least they enjoy their lives together. We destroy relationships and step all over others to climb to the top, but what is really up there? It seems that perhaps there's just a lot of loneliness. How fun is it to celebrate success by yourself?
Even if we don't have family or friends that we depend on, what about God? Do we really think we can do better without Him? He is all-knowing, all-powerful, everywhere. Do we really think that in our finite little lives, somehow we can surpass what God can do? It sounds stupid to even iterate such nonsense, yet so many of us live like this exactly every day. I know I do.
In my stubborn. little mind, I forget that I cannot do things on my own. So I strive and fail again and again. I try again and just end up frustrated. I give up and then feel guilty. Why can't I simply remember that I wasn't made to do it alone? God not only saved me from certain death, but He filled me with His own Spirit to guide me through every step I make each day. He gave me the same power that raised Him from the dead! Why wouldn't I want to tap into that every morning and use that to live successfully? If I could simply surrender control of my life to Jesus every day, I could life my life to the fullest, knowing that I was walking in Christ's power and direction, His best for me.
So, if I can teach myself to wake up every morning with Jesus on my lips, what difference will it make? I do believe it will make all the difference in the world!
Would it change my life? I think so.
I have come to realize that every time I am struggling, every time I am an emotional wreck, it's because I have taken my eyes off of God. When I am anxious about finances, it's because I am depending on my husband to provide for us, not God. When I can't figure out to do with my future plans, it's because I am trying to figure them out on my own. When my kids are driving my crazy and I just don't know how to handle them, it's because I am depending on my knowledge, or lack thereof, to be a good parent. When I am frustrated with the bad food choices I made and can't understand why I do the same stupid things over and over, it's because I have taken my eyes off of God. When I am angry at myself for making the same mistake AGAIN, it'd because I've forgotten that I can't do it on my own.
I know our society rewards self-sufficiency. The more independent you are, the more value you have. Where did we get this crazy idea? God gave us people--families, communities, churches--so that we could support one another. Somehow we think that we know better than Him? For that matter, other cultures are still very interdependent upon one another. They may not achieve like we do, but at least they enjoy their lives together. We destroy relationships and step all over others to climb to the top, but what is really up there? It seems that perhaps there's just a lot of loneliness. How fun is it to celebrate success by yourself?
Even if we don't have family or friends that we depend on, what about God? Do we really think we can do better without Him? He is all-knowing, all-powerful, everywhere. Do we really think that in our finite little lives, somehow we can surpass what God can do? It sounds stupid to even iterate such nonsense, yet so many of us live like this exactly every day. I know I do.
In my stubborn. little mind, I forget that I cannot do things on my own. So I strive and fail again and again. I try again and just end up frustrated. I give up and then feel guilty. Why can't I simply remember that I wasn't made to do it alone? God not only saved me from certain death, but He filled me with His own Spirit to guide me through every step I make each day. He gave me the same power that raised Him from the dead! Why wouldn't I want to tap into that every morning and use that to live successfully? If I could simply surrender control of my life to Jesus every day, I could life my life to the fullest, knowing that I was walking in Christ's power and direction, His best for me.
So, if I can teach myself to wake up every morning with Jesus on my lips, what difference will it make? I do believe it will make all the difference in the world!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Now What?
I finished this term of school-woo hoo! Do you hear my long exhalation? I am looking forward to a little down time...or so I thought.
So, now what do I do? Freedom sounds so good, until I try to figure out what I am supposed to do now. I know I have stuff to do, but what? I need to get out a list! I know I have written something somewhere. (I had some stuff written in my last blog.)
Some of my hesitation lies in procrastination. There are tasks that I need to do to catch up, but they are jobs that I would rather not face! (Help me, Lord, not to fear my responsibilities but to work diligently to complete what you've called me to do!)
The dilemma, then, that I face is finding the balance between productivity and hiatus. I truly don't want to be lazy, although there is something appealing to the "lazy days of summer." I need to first fit back in the activities I have set aside during school. Then, I guess I need to prioritize. What needs to be done? What is most important to me? If I can find a way to reasonably accomplish both what I need to do and what I would like to do, this summer just may be the most enjoyable and productive one yet!
So, now what do I do? Freedom sounds so good, until I try to figure out what I am supposed to do now. I know I have stuff to do, but what? I need to get out a list! I know I have written something somewhere. (I had some stuff written in my last blog.)
Some of my hesitation lies in procrastination. There are tasks that I need to do to catch up, but they are jobs that I would rather not face! (Help me, Lord, not to fear my responsibilities but to work diligently to complete what you've called me to do!)
The dilemma, then, that I face is finding the balance between productivity and hiatus. I truly don't want to be lazy, although there is something appealing to the "lazy days of summer." I need to first fit back in the activities I have set aside during school. Then, I guess I need to prioritize. What needs to be done? What is most important to me? If I can find a way to reasonably accomplish both what I need to do and what I would like to do, this summer just may be the most enjoyable and productive one yet!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Pain in the Butt
Literally. A pain in the butt. To be more exact, a pain in my butt! An intense and sharp yet dull and throbbing pain, it is. And it seems like it will last forever!
Now, I know it won't. That is absurd, especially when I had the surgery to relieve my discomfort. It's just that it has made so little improvement in the last 6 days.
And you wouldn't imagine (unless you have experienced this yourself) how difficult it is to get things done when you can't sit for more than 10 minutes at a time. Things like...a computer desk job. *sigh*
Ok, enough complaining from me. I need to look at the bright side. Where to start...
I drove today, a whole 3 miles round trip! I went to the grocery store near our house. That was good.
I have been working since Tuesday, increasing my shift by 1/2 hour each day. Would you believe that I worked a full 4 hours today--yay!
I have had three days of restricted caloric decisions. (In the interest of full disclosure, I DID eat ice cream today, but it was a controlled amount.) I still feel good about it. I am motivated to continue. I am planning to wear my old clothes this summer!
It's not easy. It's downright hard sometimes. It feels like it will never end. It's a royal pain in the butt--
But this too shall end!
Now, I know it won't. That is absurd, especially when I had the surgery to relieve my discomfort. It's just that it has made so little improvement in the last 6 days.
And you wouldn't imagine (unless you have experienced this yourself) how difficult it is to get things done when you can't sit for more than 10 minutes at a time. Things like...a computer desk job. *sigh*
Ok, enough complaining from me. I need to look at the bright side. Where to start...
I drove today, a whole 3 miles round trip! I went to the grocery store near our house. That was good.
I have been working since Tuesday, increasing my shift by 1/2 hour each day. Would you believe that I worked a full 4 hours today--yay!
I have had three days of restricted caloric decisions. (In the interest of full disclosure, I DID eat ice cream today, but it was a controlled amount.) I still feel good about it. I am motivated to continue. I am planning to wear my old clothes this summer!
It's not easy. It's downright hard sometimes. It feels like it will never end. It's a royal pain in the butt--
But this too shall end!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Ow-wie!
I had surgery 2 days ago. Oh my. It is never fun, and this is no exception.
My surgery was scheduled for noon on Friday. I had to be there at 10 am, so Bob dropped me off a few minutes before. Prep was routine, and I even got to read quite a bit in my textbook for school. I was super tired. They gave me a light sedative as they were preparing me for surgery, and I don't remember a thing after that. I think I just fell asleep!
My next recollection was my groggy waking up--with a massive pain in my chest. This was a pain I recognized all too well as an esophageal spasm. I told the nurse what was going on, so she was dealing with that on top of trying to handle the usual side effects of waking up from anesthesia, what with the nausea and vomiting. Unfortunately for me, I don't do well with anesthesia, and the spasms irritate my digestive system even more. I was bound to puke!
Thank God I had my medication recorded on my forms, since I had recently dealt with the spasms and had a prescription filled for dicyclomine. The nurse, Jeanne, did her best to take care of me in a timely manner. While it felt like forever, we did finally get the medication I needed, and my pain subsided. Throughout the ordeal, as I prayed and begged God for relief, my mind was flooded with His Word. I claimed each promise and knew He would bring me through this trial.
At this point, the only thing really hurting was my throat from the tube that had been down it and the lack of water I had had for the last 12+ hours. I tried to slowly sip my water, knowing too much would make me vomit again. I finally made it to the place where I could go back to my original room. I rested there for another hour or so and even had some graham crackers and apple juice. Best tasting graham crackers ever!
Bob picked me up around 3:45 pm, and we headed home. I still had no pain in my bottom whatsoever, but we dropped off my prescription for Percocet anyway. Boy, am I glad that we did! I was fine all evening and starting to think that this may just be an easy recovery after all. I even woke up the next morning with just some stiffness and tenderness. By the time we finished breakfast, however, I could barely move!
And it's been that way for the majority of the last 24 hours. The Percocet helps, and I can move around better with it. I just get stiff and sore being in any position for too long, including lying down. I was hoping to be able to go to church this morning--it's Easter--but there's no way I'd make it through the service, let alone the drive there and back. That's a bummer, but the kids are playing with the Nerf guns I bought them for Easter. (I know, I know, really "Easter-y.")
I go back and forth on thinking that I will be okay with working on Tuesday. I sure hope so. I also go back and forth on how I will get through school this week. I finished last week early so I wouldn't have to worry about it, but time keeps on going. I start a new week tomorrow, complete with my research paper due. (3 more weeks--I can do this!)
I am currently typing at the kitchen counter. Standing is more comfortable than sitting, but I do get tired easily. I need God's strength to get through this, and I am glad to have my family's help as well as the meals from some caring friends. My butt is swollen. (I always wanted a rounder tush, but not like this!) In fact, I feel swollen all over. I am trying to remember that this too shall pass. For now I am just hanging on!
My surgery was scheduled for noon on Friday. I had to be there at 10 am, so Bob dropped me off a few minutes before. Prep was routine, and I even got to read quite a bit in my textbook for school. I was super tired. They gave me a light sedative as they were preparing me for surgery, and I don't remember a thing after that. I think I just fell asleep!
My next recollection was my groggy waking up--with a massive pain in my chest. This was a pain I recognized all too well as an esophageal spasm. I told the nurse what was going on, so she was dealing with that on top of trying to handle the usual side effects of waking up from anesthesia, what with the nausea and vomiting. Unfortunately for me, I don't do well with anesthesia, and the spasms irritate my digestive system even more. I was bound to puke!
Thank God I had my medication recorded on my forms, since I had recently dealt with the spasms and had a prescription filled for dicyclomine. The nurse, Jeanne, did her best to take care of me in a timely manner. While it felt like forever, we did finally get the medication I needed, and my pain subsided. Throughout the ordeal, as I prayed and begged God for relief, my mind was flooded with His Word. I claimed each promise and knew He would bring me through this trial.
At this point, the only thing really hurting was my throat from the tube that had been down it and the lack of water I had had for the last 12+ hours. I tried to slowly sip my water, knowing too much would make me vomit again. I finally made it to the place where I could go back to my original room. I rested there for another hour or so and even had some graham crackers and apple juice. Best tasting graham crackers ever!
Bob picked me up around 3:45 pm, and we headed home. I still had no pain in my bottom whatsoever, but we dropped off my prescription for Percocet anyway. Boy, am I glad that we did! I was fine all evening and starting to think that this may just be an easy recovery after all. I even woke up the next morning with just some stiffness and tenderness. By the time we finished breakfast, however, I could barely move!
And it's been that way for the majority of the last 24 hours. The Percocet helps, and I can move around better with it. I just get stiff and sore being in any position for too long, including lying down. I was hoping to be able to go to church this morning--it's Easter--but there's no way I'd make it through the service, let alone the drive there and back. That's a bummer, but the kids are playing with the Nerf guns I bought them for Easter. (I know, I know, really "Easter-y.")
I go back and forth on thinking that I will be okay with working on Tuesday. I sure hope so. I also go back and forth on how I will get through school this week. I finished last week early so I wouldn't have to worry about it, but time keeps on going. I start a new week tomorrow, complete with my research paper due. (3 more weeks--I can do this!)
I am currently typing at the kitchen counter. Standing is more comfortable than sitting, but I do get tired easily. I need God's strength to get through this, and I am glad to have my family's help as well as the meals from some caring friends. My butt is swollen. (I always wanted a rounder tush, but not like this!) In fact, I feel swollen all over. I am trying to remember that this too shall pass. For now I am just hanging on!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Priorities
The one good thing I can say about all these events in my life is that I am learning to prioritize or re-prioritize what is important for right now. So here are some changes that I am implementing, and I must say, I am excited about what is coming:
1. I am not taking classes this summer. I went back and forth on this, especially since the terms in the summer actually cross for two weeks. Four classes for two weeks?!? I don't think so! I would just be asking for it, especially since it falls over my vacation time. (Consequently, if I am off and we don't go back to the Midwest, I would have the time to handle the extra work.)
2. I am only taking one class at a time starting the fall. I have had to remind myself that I am not trying to get this done ASAP. I have a 3-year-old. I need to be able to focus on other things besides schoolwork, and that has become difficult this term, given the heavy work load for my current classes. I can keep taking classes, as long as they don't overwhelm my schedule so much that I have to push everything else aside.
3. I have a desire to write more and have determined to post 3x/week this summer. I also intend to "go public" this summer with my blog. Scared? Yes. Excited? Yes!
4. I intend to take a CLEP for my English requirements this summer. I believe that I can pass no problem, and it would take care of those credits so I don't have to pay for the course or use up my time on it.
5. I would also like to complete some of my work-in-progress writing projects, including my e-book and my 1st children's book in a series Bob and I would like to put together.
6. Once I am recovered (which should be about the time I get out of school), I would like to start taking an aerobics class. My intention is to eventually start teaching them again. I have come to realize that I miss them so much. They are my passion for workouts, and I would like to incorporate them into my life again. I find so much joy and accomplishment in the choreography and exertion!
7. I would like to try soccer with Obie. There is a children's soccer group here in town that offers a trial week so you and your child can check things out. Then, it's pretty economical to get them playing 1x/wk and includes their uniform (shirt). All I want to do is TRY it. If it's a no-go, fine! I just want to try it out. He is much more physical than the older kids were, and I want him to have the opportunity to give it a go.
8. Last but certainly not least, I want to use the slower summer days to really spend more time in the Word. I recognize more and more not only the importance of a deeper relationship with God but also the value and freedom that come from living closely with Him! I have already started making daily efforts, even with my busy schedule, but would like to do even more this summer. Walking in the Spirit and falling deeper in love with God means that each day is sweeter and that each struggle is diminished in the light of God's plan for me. THAT is worth prioritizing, above everything else!
Friday, April 8, 2011
What does it all mean?
The last month has been eventful. I did something weird--bad--to my hamstring. I don't know what. I might have pulled it or something. It still hurts. I started to back off. Then, I had an opthalmic migraine. I didn't know what it was, but I found out at the eye doctor's the next day. Why? Who knows. I haven't had one since, which is good.
I did pick up a nasty cold from my daughter. It went to my chest, which is unusual for me. Then, it went to my ear. Ouch! I went to the doctor and got an antibiotic. (It's actually a sinus infection, not an ear infection.)
The day before, I went to yet another appointment, this time to set up surgery. I am having the cyst removed on April 22, two weeks from today. I already had the weekend off, so that worked out well.
So, what is going on? Really, I don't know. It seems a bit over the top, like some cosmic joke. And that is how I was approaching it, feeling quite "picked on." I was also anesthesizing my pain with crazy eating patterns. Stupid behavior. Pity parties and hissy fits complete with cake.
Yet the Lord was gently prodding me. The message was there all along; I just kept missing it. I finally caught the a-ha moment on Karen Ehman's website. (Thanks, Karen!) Suffering is a part of life. We live in a fallen world. Who am I to think I deserve a pain-free life? God uses difficulty in our lives to teach us so many things. We can also learn to have peace in the midst of our struggles. The presence of God in the midst of our lives is more important than the comfort of our bodies. I am not there totally, but I am drawing closer. That is where I want to be.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A New Hope
I was doing really well with my eating plan through the beginning of the year. It wasn't perfect, but it was within reason. I had even gone many weeks without eating after dinner, or at least not after 7:30 p.m., a feat I haven't been able to accomplish ever before! I sought out some accountability, a good thing to be sure, although I felt pretty grounded and secure. I should have known there was a storm coming.
To be sure, the next thing I knew I was in a tailspin, and everything was unraveling quickly. Granted, I had not lost a pound to date, although my pants were certainly looser. (I always do have more luck measuring with size than scale.) But that is just one of the reasons I considered to blame for my loss of control. Here are a few others:
1. My hamstring was imflamed--again. Every time I really engage in body-changing exercise, my hamstring protests. This time was no different. The chiropractor told me it was time to back off, so there went my running, training for a triathlon this summer.
2. The cyst on my tailbone became inflamed. Seriously. I know, you're thinking, who has that?! Well, I do. It first flared up when I was 19 and in basic training, doing like a thousand situps, old-school style, every day. I never had it removed, so here it is again. Oh, the joys of exercising like you mean it!
3. So, now I can only sit on the right side of my bum. That doesn't not make for a great work situation in front of a computer. I work on a computer minimum 4 hr/day.
4. Stress. Bob's income fluctuates so much, and well, let's just say it was really "down" time. Hard.
5. My daughter wanted to have our mommy/daughter ice cream date I had been promising. Do you know how many calories are in a pint of Ben and Jerry's? Oh, what a BAD choice that was!
By this point, I was pretty much making bad decisions each day. there seemed to be no way out. Ah, but it gets worse.
6. We watch a documentary on diet, and while it confirmed much of what I have heard in the past, it also questioned a lot of the newer advice I had received. Now I didn't know what to do with my diet, so I just kinda threw it away.
Now, you may accuse me of totally giving in at this point, but I was really trying each day. I was just getting derailed so easily, I couldn't make it through a meal without messing up.
7. Those Kisses in the cabinet had to get eaten up sometime, so why not now?
8. Bob is t-boned. Not only is he badly beat up from this, he gets the ticket. Did I mention that my ultra-cautious husband was trying to clear the intersection on a yellow light? Did I say that the driver who hit him was probably speeding and going through a red light? Need I tell you that she did not receive ANY ticket whatsoever? How about the fact that now our Jeep would not be covered, and we're out of a 2nd vehicle?
So, to put it in a nutshell, life had come crashing in at breakneck speed, and I was overwhelmed, just like the shores of Japan under the terrible weight of the recent tsunami. Life is hard, and sometimes it just seems out of control. In response, my eating had gone completely out of control, and I could not seem to get it back in place.
However, I would like to point out something I noticed in my own reflection on what was going on with me: did I once mention God in this whole mess? No. (Ouch.) If there's one thing I have learned in the past year, it is that this is a battle in my life that I am not capable of handling on my own. Yet when I invite God into this hoo-ha, somehow I am able to rise above the storm and find peace and rest for my heart, soul, ... and appetite.
Now, I am here to tell you that there were some tears and cries of desperation during this time. But there were no true efforts to dig into the Word or to really ground myself in the Lord. As soon as I picked up my Bible, however, and began to focus on the truths that He gives me, I could feel the strength and peace flooding me.
I am here tonight to celebrate 2 days of a wonderful diet, and more than that, a communion with God that is irreplaceable in value. To be able to walk right on past the treat at Tuesday morning Bible study, to say "no" to the cravings for an evening snack, and to politely refuse my daughter's banana muffin piping hot from the oven gave me more peace and fulfillment than I ever would have found in the indulge-guilt cycle. The key is God. It's wanting Him more than wanting to be thin. It's valuing the peace of mind He brings more than the temporary pleasure on my tongue that sweets bring. I pray that I never forget that lesson again, whether or not I ever complete a triathlon or wear a size 8.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Feb 1st
So, I am a month into the new year... and I have not dropped a pound! Ugh. I really have been working hard, and I really have made some serious changes. Is it the perpetual period I have been plagued with? Is it that I am building SO much muscle, I weigh the same? LOL Am I delusional and thinking I am doing well when I am not? Am I not working out enough? Hard enough? Am I eating too much? Too little? I just don't know!
I can't say how many times I have been here before. For the same reasons? Who knows. It is frustrating and disheartening. The thing is, I refuse to give up! My heart isn't in it, I'll admit, but my mind knows it's about more than my emotions. Lord knows they've gotten me into way more trouble in the past. I am praying for God's strength and guidance, because I recognize that I cannot do this on my own. And frankly, I don't want to. I have proven that I don't have it in me in the past; why try the same thing that doesn't work?!
Lord, I am asking for Your strength for today. Help me to be the best I can for You! This is not about how much I weigh or what I eat as much as it is about my relationship with You. I depend on You today and know that You will be with me. That's what matters most!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The New Year
Ugh. I don't know that this is the best time to write in here. I have been in and out of a funk for the past few days, trying desperately to cling to hope, be positive, and not murder my family for petty annoyances. I do have some goals for this year, which I'd like to get down so I can look back at them, and I did start out the year pretty well with what I am eating. I am committed to making real changes this year and need to lose a few sizes and STAY THERE! Part of that goal includes a triathlon I plan to do with AnnaLisa June 26. I have already started running, although I do feel a little stupid telling people I am training for a triathlon. I feel like they're gonna look at me and think, Shouldn't you lose like 50 pounds before you try that?! Whatever. I always do feel like people are looking at me and judging me for my weight when they are probably so preoccupied with their own looks that they don't even notice mine.
So, just like all new years, I definitely have weight/health goals I want to accomplish. However, I would like to look at more about myself than just my physical appearance. What am I doing for the inner me, for the aspects of myself that don't revolve around body image? Well, I am continuing school, which I am excited about! Being off right now feels really weird, although nice, but I do look forward to getting back to the books. I ended last term with a 96 in Philosophy and a 97 in Psychology, so I was pretty pleased with that. I really did feel like it was only through God that I was able to do so well. Strangely, I felt balanced and not too stressed, for the most part. That could only be through God!
That said, I did kinda let some things fall to the wayside. I wasn't practicing my bass for the last month or so, although we'll start meeting again next week. (I also lost my computer with my iTunes on it, which included all of my music for my band. That's a bummer.) I also stopped going to my OA meetings on Tuesday nights. In ways, I miss it, but I think I will be ok w/o it. Also, we'd started attending Wednesday night group, and I had to drop out of that. It's probably what I miss the most. I felt like it was a good effort towards fitting in with our church community more. So, I would like to be able to attend Wed. night group again this year. I believe they are starting up in Feb.
I would also like to work on my personal friendships more. On and off, I have complained about being isolated since moving to CO, but I also tend to isolate myself or at least not make enough effort to seek others out. The demands of school do make it more of a challenge to be social, but I think it is important and will be worth the effort in the long run.
In addition, I want to continue to grow spiritually. Last year really was a year of grow for me, building dependency upon God and seeking out with assistance in my every day life. I give a lot of thanks to OA for that...maybe I do need to keep going back. I did get lazy over the end of the year and need to re-establish my daily time with God, even if it is just 5 minutes. I noticed the difference it made, and it seemed like it grew with time as I desired more and more time with the Lord. I also know that when my relationship with the Lord is in the right place, everything else seems to be ok as well. This truly needs to be my number one priority!
Other goals or desires? Well, as much as I do like my job, I would really like to see Bob's business prosper enough that I could quit working for now. It is a challenge to juggle work, school, and family; I feel like my kids are the ones who have gotten the short end of the stick. I don't know. In some ways, I spend more quality time with them than before. In other ways, like being available when they have a math problem or being able to play with Obie when the older kids need some quiet study time, I am just not there right now. Being home helps, but I am just not free like I would like to be. I know my summer hours are shorter than what I am working right now and will help with this, but in the summer, G & M are off school.
I don't know. There are pros and cons to both. I would really miss some things about work if I quit, but I also envision me being a better mom if I wasn't working. Once Obie really starts school, then I will really need more free time during the day, assuming I continue to keep the kids home for school.
Overall, I don't feel like I am in much of a different place than I did 2 days ago, when the calendar read 2010, but starting points can be helpful in beginning new habits. So, I think I will take this opportunity to review and re-align my point of view: In 2011, I will continue my schooling in order to complete my bachelor's degree in psychology; I will train my body and mind to complete my 1st triathlon in June; I will commit to daily time with God and rest in His plans for me, not mine; I will make time to develop my relationships with others in my life, including my children, my friends, and my husband; and I will focus on being healthy in mind, body, and spirit and make this my healthiest year to date!
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